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But here's what bothers ME...

penitentvandal

20:03 / 13.05.03

Why is it, whenever I click on the disinfo website, a pop-up window emerges asking me to avail myself of a 'free Ninja scanning camera mount'. I don't need one! There aren't any ninjas in my house! It would be useless!

Hang on, though. You can't see ninjas. They know ninjitsu - the art of being invisible. There could be loads of ninjas, dozens of the fuckers, living in my house, sponging off me every second of the livelong day, and I'd be none the wiser! Bastards! That's where all my socks and pants and pens are going! The cunts are turning them into sumo thongs and ninja balaclavas and using them to write haiku! Wankers! Sitting there watching my fucking dvds and listening to my records and fucking around on my computer while I'm out at work! The fuckers!

Right. that's it, then. I'm getting one of those cameras. And when I've found out where they all are, I'm getting myself a bloody big gun.

Let's see them ninje their way out of that one...

uncle retrospective

20:16 / 13.05.03

As one of the Ninja's that are loafing about on your sofa and watching porn on your computer, I'd advise getting a really big gun to get rid of us. A huge Phallic Monster of a gun. Other wise we'll laugh at you.
Oh you need more milk and your DVD's are rubbish. Buy new ones for us.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

20:40 / 13.05.03

*waves hi* I'm the one who keeps changing the wallpaper on your computer to pictures of kittens. And I used your internet and your plastic to send off for loads powdered milk and baby-food *lifts up baby ninja in teeny black footie 'jamas*. For I am Mordant Carnival: NINJA SLAPPER!

w1rebaby

21:23 / 13.05.03

I had one of those cameras and it was rubbish. All it ever detected was samurais. And samurais are so not the same, and they're much easier to find, anyway. Waste of money mate. Like that pirate repellent I bought. All you need to do to get pirates out of your flat is leave an open bottle of meths outside the door.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:59 / 13.05.03

You need to get some pirates in. They'll so totally kill all the ninjas. Which is, like, totally fucking sweet.

The Return Of Rothkoid

04:05 / 14.05.03

Arrrr.

Pants Payroll

04:48 / 14.05.03

Dude, a pirate couldnt take a ninja. The pirate'd be like "Avast, ye scurvy dog! This be my large and unwieldy sabre!" and the ninja would be all "Voop! Yeah, didnt see that coming did'ja? Wheres your head, now, dead-guy san?" and the pirate'd go "Urkgg...!" and his head would be totally rolling down the gangplank and all the ninja would be high-fiving the one ninja and crackin' 40's and be like "You the shizznit, dog" and he'd go "Baby, i know it!"" and they'd all go back to the ninja crib with some honeys and smoke some rock and chill out with some esquivel on the box. And i know all this 'cause i hide out at their pad, but they dont know it 'cause they dont have a spy camera to detect me with.

Tezcatlipoca

05:11 / 14.05.03

Dude, a pirate couldnt take a ninja.

Yer enterin' dangerous waters, matey...

Our Lady of The Two Towers

05:41 / 14.05.03

Oi thought they cancelled each ovver out like matter/auntie-matter?

The Return Of Rothkoid

06:03 / 14.05.03

Auntie Matter. She's the slightly scatterbrained sister of your mother's who invalidates your existence when she touches you!

Please say that's a Channel 5 show.

gingerbop

14:44 / 14.05.03

HEY- Im auntie matter, dont mock (altho im also known as auntie dish, for some strange bi-lingual reason).
And thats why you can never see me in photos, if cameras cant take pics of ninjas.. bloody technology.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

22:43 / 14.05.03

Look, getting pirates in would just encourage the ninjas and you'd get more ninjas in than you started with. First the ninjas would flip out and kill the pirates (and let's face it, my Illegitimate Ninja Sprog here could kill 15.3 pirates armed only with a half-chewed rusk). Then the ninjas would be so impressed with each other's fighting technique that they'd all pop multiple boners (even the ninja chicks, 'coz we're so bad) and before you know it, you'd have umpteen baby ninjas flipping out everywhere. Then loads of other ninjas would turn up to play with the baby ninjas.

Saint Keggers

23:35 / 14.05.03

Let's face it no matter how many ninja you cram ito the room they'd be all 'Haha! I am Ninja! haha! You can't capture my image with your silly camera because we get all shifty...like so! (shift, shift,shit) and then the pirate would open the door and say 'Arr! I see a bunch of shiftyness going on here'. He would then end all shiftyness by liberal application of cannonball. This would be caught on the ninja camera and alert the cops and the pirate would say 'Arrr! Do yer worst ye scurvy landlubbers. Im a pirate! Be ye thinking that ye could capture me for such a little thing like ninja killing. I kill more ninja before I finnish my morning cup of grog than most people do all year!" The video would be on tv and all the ninja who view it would die in seven days from a fright so terrible that it could cause them to die...in seven days.

Spaniel

23:38 / 14.05.03

You should Wolverine in. He takes out those pajama wearing ponces left right and centre.

WOLVERINE SNIKT!

Saint Keggers

00:14 / 15.05.03

Well yes! Ofcourse he would!...Unless he was (pause for effect) Completely Fictional!!!

penitentvandal

18:50 / 15.05.03

A-hem.

I got the council to slap an ASBO (antisocial behaviour order, non-Brits) on the ninjas. Good job, I thought, last thing I need is some fuckin' freeloading assassins in my house...

...but then some cunt at the council fucked up his typing, and instead of getting an asbo, I got some Abos. Now I have a shitload of japanese hitmen and a bunch of didgeridoo-playing, witchetty grub-eating shaman types lounging around the house, mocking my magickal efforts by saying things like 'well fuck contacting your Holy Guardian Angel, mate, my granny went to the moon'. And this is on top of the fucking pirates who came around and started lobbing cannonballs at my house since the start of this thread.

Still, I like the imaginative use of 'Wolverine' as a verb in the above. Rest assured, as soon as I have some time, I shall 'wolverine in' myself, and sort out this freebooter/antipodean/nipponese melange in the only possible way.

Until then...

w1rebaby

19:50 / 15.05.03

Well, at least you didn't get boas. Or, um, some soab.

Linxy Kakenhoff

01:36 / 16.05.03

Speaking as a representative of the United Nations Ninja Association I would like to point out that we could indeed kick the pirates combined asses. In retaliation for the suggestion that pirates could defeat us we will replace all of your food products with SPAM, untill the guilty party commits seppuku.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

13:40 / 16.05.03

I dreamt of pirates last night. Dancing pirates. In the manner of a broadway show. God that was scary.

Linxy Kakenhoff

21:31 / 22.05.03

Did they do the can-can? A musical just ain't the same if it doesn't contain some form of high-kicking dance.

sTe

23:24 / 22.05.03

If them Ninja's aint dancing then they don't be proper Ninjas - not according to the big book of Ninja dancing anyhow.

As for those Pirate pretanders, the best they can manage is some kind of horn piping so it should be fairly simple beef to booby trap your home with cursed eight pieces, rotting planks and familiar parrots etc etc

It'll take a lot more work to rid yourself of the Ninja nuisance, best to go to the proffesionals, possibly wolverine, but personally I'd go for Terminix PESTMaster, for "a rapid response, expert solutions" (such as tripwires and poison spikes no doubt) "and local technicians"

Sod the law and these low tech devices matey you need the profesionals! (I will be happy to supply their number from the local yella pages on request, potentially for a nominal cost)

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