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A psychic attack... or just anxiety/depression?

  
 
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21:15 / 09.05.03
The intellectual in me feels silly asking this question, but I'd like a second opinion...

During the last 2 weeks I've become very depressed and have suffered quite a few anxiety attacks. I know they're anxiety attacks because all the symptoms are there: trembling legs, feeling sick to my stomach, light-headed/dizzy, chest pains.

My depression reached the boiling point a few days ago, on May 5, towards midnight. Ever since that May warning thread was posted in this part of the forum I've been very anxious for May, especially May 5, and I was obsessively worrying about the date, wondering if my family members would be attacked by evil spirits that would turn them into murderors/rapists. Needless to say, this did not happen, but I was worried for it and I slept like shit. That day I felt naseau all day, and my health felt awful, probably from lack of sleep. Ever since then I've felt naseau everyday and my appetite isn't what it used to be. My stomach/digestive process feels all fucked up, and my heartburn/gas pains have been at their worst, even though the medication I take usually keeps it under control. Part of me is worried that the intestinal spasms I had on May 21st last year are coming back (damn, those hurt like hell, I thought it was my appendix at first).

At first I was reluctant to go on anti-depresent pills because I'm of the opinion that people should be able to solve these things without medication, but now I realize that maybe there are some things I can't handle by myself. This recent Tuesday I was blocking down shelves at the supermarket where I work and at one point during the shift I found myself in a stall in the men's restroom, sobbing uncontrollably (I haven't cried since my cat was put down in September) feeling totally alone and wondering if I was losing my mind, I really felt like I was dying, and I felt what's the point of going on, I'll never feel healthy again. Since that night I feel a bit better now, as I know I'm not really alone, I still have my family and my on-line friends at least (not to mention my new cat). It's just that these last few months so much things have gone wrong, from my grandfather getting put into my home and having him go senile (no one in my family is actually that close to the man but it's putting anawful strain on my father), to my internet not working right (not to mention a slew of other computer problems that I'm not really in the state of mind to heal), to these damn anxiety attacks and other health concerns, and a student I had a crush on in my writing class had a boyfriend already (god thing I found that out before I made my move!) Basically all these things have been going on at once and it's taken a toll on me, things I used to enjoy like reading, writing, working on music, etc. just hasn't given me the pleasure it used to, because I'm too depressed to do those things and also because I feel hopeless for the future at times. Even worse, after 5 years I finished my last class at my campus and now all my real life friends have moved on to their own lives (not to mention moved back to their home states) so once again I'm the only gay person I know. And in 2 weeks I'll be starting a 5 week science course at a community college to get the last 4 credits I need to graduate, and I'm very nervous about this as I've never been to this college and I've already flunked 3 science courses prior to this (I'm a very creative person and smart when it comes to writing and stuff like that, but I've always been terrible at math & science). It's no wonder I have so so much stress/anxiety, I've never handled change well. But I find now that when I get an anxiety attack I can get over it quicker now then I used to, now that I know what it is (they usually seem to hit me at night).

Anyway, I saw my doctor today and he wants me to go for a few blood tests before he puts me on an anti-depressent (check my liver, thyroid, etcetera). I have a pagan on-line friend who also suffered depression/anxiety and she claimed that once she started getting help for her problem she's much happier now. My mom's boss, and one of my dad's co-workers (who once spent time in a mental asylum but is now a store manager and happy) say pretty much the same thing: that I'm not alone and I'm not losing my mind.

Still, a small part of me worries that these symptoms are the result of psychic attacks/demons (as silly as that sounds as I don't even believe in demons) and that no medicine will cure this. Even worse, today my doctor asked if I ever thought about hurting myself or others. I said no, but now I can't stop worrying about myself getting to such a low point that I snap and hurt someone else (or myself). The thought makes me feel sick to my stomach as I hate violence and have only gotten into one fight my entire life, with my younger brother, of which I still feel guilty about today. I wish I could make these negative thoughts go away.

If the medicine doesn't work (I really hope it does work as I'm sick of feeling weak/tired/unhealthy everyday and I want to go back to enjoying the things I used to enjoy again) I may just have to try a psychologist.

Maybe I'm just really blowing all this out of proportion. After all, psychic attacks aren't common and I dont even know any magicians (well, in real life). Thisb reminds me of the time I was about to enter a building on campus when I saw flashing lights in the sky and heard a loud whooshing noise. I instantly jumped to the conclusion that it was a UFO, but then I opened the door and came face to face with a fat janitor smoking a cigarette and operating an extraordinarily loud vacuum. So much for aliens.

I guess identifying the problem is part of solving it. I wonder if May is a difficult month for sensitive/depressed people? I usually tend to get depressed around the changing of the seasons, and with all the big changes coming up in my own life maybe I'm just having trouble dealing with this and need a little extra help.
 
 
FinderWolf
23:31 / 09.05.03
I've been through the same thing, Sypha. You will get better, be sure of that. Blind faith is very useful in times like this. As for the antidepressants, they can be very helpful when you're in the danger zone (which it sounds like you are). Used wisely in conjunction with psychotherapy (you probably shouldn't be taking medication without being in therapy also), they can really help you get back on your feet. Ask your doctor or friends/family to recommend a good talk therapist.

I say take the medication, since it sounds like you're at a point where things are feeling pretty out-of-control. The medication is to get you stabilized again. It doesn't run your life or change you, it just restores you to normalcy (when you find the right medication and dosage, which sometimes takes time & trial and error, so be patient and keep the faith) so you can deal with your issues.

There is a spiritual/magickal component to this. What you're going through is The Tower in the tarot, the 'initiation' referred to in THE INVISIBLES, basically, the chaos and shake up that your psyche needs to grow. It's like growing pains. You've got a lot going on and you need to marshal your defenses, and use all the help you can get from whatever sources you can while still using your judgment about who and what you trust.

This doesn't sound like an attack by demons or some such to me, it sounds like the pains that come with your psyche saying it's time to shed your skin, the old ways you deal with things are no longer working for you, and change will be good in the long run, but difficult in the present.

Also, people here on the Magick forum are always very helpful with helping people out when they're in a jam -- so I'll do my best to help you with some kind of magickal working and good vibes. I'd ask others to join in with their intent as well, to help you get back to feeling well and strong again. It WILL happen, have faith and be patient, and for now, just do the best you can. peace
 
 
*
23:57 / 09.05.03
I did a hasty divination with ogham sticks, but that was more peripheral to considering what actually might be going on here. I feel strongly that your physical symptoms and emotional distress is largely the result of your fear. Finding the root of your fear and dealing with that will free you from most of your other problems.

I don't think you are under psychic attack. As you already mentioned, psychic attack is extremely rare. Also, the way you describe the situation, whenever a new escalation of the problem has occurred it's been the result of some destructive thing you were consciously thinking.

Stabilizing your depression ought to be your primary focus right now. I normally don't like the idea of antidepressants either, but by all means take your doctor's advice-- at least they may help you clear your mind enough to give you space to be a little more objective.

Once your depression is stabilized, make a space in your life to take a vacation. I don't mean go to Tahiti or take a week off work and school-- that might not be possible for you, and Tahiti is mostly slums anyway. I mean, take a day when you don't have anything you absolutely have to do, or an hour even, and take yourself to a time that is not a time and a place that is not a place. There, ask your inner objectivity to analyze the situation for you, your intuitive self to supplement it, your higher self to decide on a solution that will work for you. Listen nonjudgementally to your emotional self, but don't get caught up in its turmoil; your emotional self is in evident distress and is not capable of objectively understanding the situation. These "selves" are metaphors. They are just a convenient way of dealing with your non-physical functions. These functions work together and cannot function alone, but by paying attention to each function one at a time, you make sure you are looking at the situation from a balanced viewpoint. Taking inventory like this every so often, I've found, is a very good way to keep myself on the Way of Serenity (tm).

A very good non-chemical way of fighting depression is exercise. Regular exercise is a definite mood enhancer. Make sure you're eating regularly and healthy foods-- I know you've heard this a million times, but really, your body and mind don't need the extra stress of compensating for a poor diet. Treat yourself like royalty. And laugh. Watch one funny movie, or read a funny story, or tell your friends three funny jokes, every single day.

Recognize that ultimately you are in control of this. You are powerful with regards to this situation, and your timely actions will resolve it. You are NOT helpless, you are powerful, even though you may not feel powerful RIGHT NOW. Your power comes from your ability to make positive changes in your life. By quantum law, there is no such thing as a small change. You change one minor factor in your life in a positive way and positive effects cascade from that change. The more minor things you change, the more the positive effects are assured.

Sidenote: I find it interesting that you considered going to a psychologist only after considering trying antidepressants. Where I come from, one goes to a psychologist, and if te thinks your problem is more chemical than counseling, te refers you to a psychiatrist who prescribes antidepressants. Psychologists can be very useful people if they're sensible and don't follow one "absolute path" of psychology-- a strict behaviorist, for example, isn't going to help you in your situation much. Don't consider a psychologist a tool of last resort.
 
 
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01:04 / 10.05.03
Yeah, entity, a lot of my on-line friends recommend exercise too. I really should get around to trying that, I try to go for a walk every now and then but I'm just lazy I guess. At the very least I am trying to cut back on the junk food.
 
 
Ganesh
01:21 / 10.05.03
Approaching this from a purely medical/psychiatric point of view,

you probably shouldn't be taking medication without being in therapy also

is not strictly true. While combining pharmacological and psychological treatments is certainly a nice way to approach depression/anxiety symptoms, it's by no means the only way to go. There have been many studies carried out comparing the efficacy of psychotherapy and antidepressants, and they've generally come out more or less equal - except that antidepressants seem to work slightly faster and cost much less than 'talking cures'. Within health systems like the UK's National Health Service - where time and money are at a premium - it therefore makes economic sense, initially, to try antidepressants alone. In around 70% of cases, this works well.

There's no "shouldn't" about it, Sypha. Give the antidepressants a chance (and that means a good four to six weeks on the maximum dose if that's what's needed): they might do the trick without any other input; your doctor may need to change them and/or pursue additional avenues (such as the aforementioned psychologist).
 
 
Salamander
04:04 / 10.05.03
You definitly need to exercise, this will get rid of a bit of the nervous/emotional tension you seem to have. Ganesh is right about the meds, go ahead and give them a shot, thats what I say. To adress a smaller problem you brought issue with, if you have a problem with science, go ahead and invoke the hell out of thoth or hermes, or if you are of the celtic/pagan bent, lugh the long arm, the god of all skills. Just be confidant in your ability, you got far enough to only need this class to graduate, so you can do this. You seem to me by your posts to be an intellegent person, with an ability for critical thinking and analysis, two things required in science. If I can major in math after failing geometry twice, you can pass one science course, I believe in you.
 
 
FinderWolf
05:15 / 10.05.03
I know what you mean about meds & therapy, Ganesh -- I didn't mean to sound so absolute. And please note that I said "you probably shouldn't" - not full-out "shouldn't." I've studied psychiatry and psychology after having been in that world for the past 8 years because of my own recurring major depressions, and this has been my experience and what I've learned through research - just my advice, my opinion.

But what I meant is that I've seen situations where people take the medication and feel better soon but don't actually take a good hard look at themselves, their issues, and where they need to grow. So for some, meds without therapy is a quick fix without looking at the root of the problem, which is psychological.

The meds can get you out of the danger zone, therapy helps you examine your issues and reactions so that you don't fall into the danger zone as rapidly next time (or hopefully you don't fall into it at all). The medication doesn't do the real psychological work; you have to do it (I'm talking about the universal 'you' here, not Sypha, incidentally).

The medication just brings you back to full strength & normalcy so that you then are ready to look at yourself through whatever therapy you feel will be most helpful for gaining a better understanding of yourself. I also have spoken to and worked with (as well as reading about in psych. texts & research) many doctors who feel both therapy & meds are more effective in long-term mental health than just meds alone, because of the reasons I listed above.

There are also a lot of long-term studies that show people who took antidepressants alone and no talk therapy had more (and more severe) relapses of depression/anxiety attacks (the two are often related) than those who did both therapy and medication. Because the therapy helps you from repeating the same pattern of falling into depression repeatedly; looking at the psychological & spiritual aspects of the problem rather than just the chemical.

BUT, having said all that, I totally agree that if money is an issue and one cannot find cheap talk therapy, the meds are cheaper than talk therapy and faster. I was just talking about long-term growth so that you don't fall into depression again and again when certain things trigger it. And maybe the best thing now for Sypha is not to think so long-term at this point, more to think about what will help alleviate the pain NOW. I certainly hear that, been there before.

this is all just my two cents, of course. I don't mean to sound combative, just discussing the points raised, all with an eye towards helping, at least with information and one guy's opinion, knowing that this is a sensitive subject and opinions will certainly vary. The main thing here is that Sypha gets the help and support needed, and it sounds like you're completely on the right track there, Syph.

And the point about exercise is definitely right on -- the challenge is, when you're depressed and lacking in energy all the time, the last thing you usually want to do is exercise. But every little bit helps, big or small.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.
 
 
Ganesh
07:43 / 10.05.03
Sure, but sometimes a depressive episode is just illness, and a "quick fix" treatment is quite apposite. It'd be useful to take time to contextualise any illness (why did I succumb to this infection/diabetes/heart attack at this point in my life?) but, in practice, we often just take the tablets, wait it out and move on rather than attempting to "grow" from the experience. Sometimes, that's a correct and appropriate thing to do.
 
 
illmatic
08:56 / 10.05.03
I think you've got lots of good advice, Sypha, so I'm not going to add my 2 cents worth, just chiming in to say "All the best". I've seen a few friends go through similar things and you'll ride it out eventually. It sounds to me like it fits in with the other tensions and stuff in your life, but the best solution is taking things one day at a time.

Oh, and it isn't isn't psychic attack. The warnings in that thread were nothing more than utter paranoid bullshit, take my word for it.
 
 
Bill Posters
10:29 / 10.05.03
What everyone else said. Sorry to hear about it all Syph. Good vibes going your way.
 
 
FinderWolf
17:46 / 10.05.03
Also - you can request free long-distance reiki and simiilar energy work/prayer/healing at these two sites. I've found them to be helpful, and it's free, what have you got to lose? Takes two seconds to type in a request.

www.reiki.org (go to "Request a personal healing" at bottom of page)

www.johreifoundation.org (go to "request personal prayer)

Johrei is very similar to reiki.

With the combined powers of the Magick posters, you'll be sure to come through this stronger and better than ever!
 
 
paw
19:26 / 10.05.03
best of luck sypha, not much to say that is useful although if you want to drag yourself out of this low place for alot of people it has to start with your decision to actually get help and meds if necessary
 
 
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21:35 / 10.05.03
Thank you for all the comments everyone, I probably will try medication, but I'll need those blood tests done first.

Today I realized how my life seems to be going hand in hand with Grant Morrison's "The Filth". Shortly after I got the first issue of that series my beloved cat became ill (and died a week after I got issue 3, which ends with the main character burying a cat). Around issue 6 or 7 Ned is questioning if he's lost his mind, around the time I was wondering the same thing... I'm a little nervous about next issue, which appears to be about a nervous breakdown. I hope Morrison's next series is a bit more upbeat. Coincidentally, I started getting into magic around the same time I started reading "The Invisibles".
 
 
Salamander
06:06 / 11.05.03
Let us know if you encounter any talking chimps
 
 
penitentvandal
07:59 / 11.05.03
Man, if he wants to meet talking chimps, all he has to do is visit the school I'm teaching at...

Good luck getting better, Sypha. And why not do a spell to banish the depression etc, while you're waiting for the results of those blood tests? You should still take the meds if you can, but every little help, after all...
 
 
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13:48 / 11.05.03
I tried that reiki thing, btw, mostly out of curiosity.

On a related note, I'm also going to be getting a blood test to check for mono. I'm always tired, had a really bad sore throat recently, and just feel sick/ache like hell all over my body.
 
 
FinderWolf
17:01 / 12.05.03
We're with you, Sypha. And remember, the message of "The Filth" is that, like a virus or a common cold, we go through this stuff to cleanse our system for growth and renewal. I often looked on my depressions (as I might have mentioned before) as 'growing pains,' literally, spiritually, and emotionally, and physically. But it was (and is) all for your greater good. So it must run its course; just keep with it.

But I KNOW that it totally feels awful and feels like it will never end. All of this 'it's for your greater good' talk feels like just a concept and not really a part of your present reality at all. It's all well and good for us to be like "hang in there" and all that but you're the one who's feeling awful and it seems like nothing will change that right now. I know how that feels. Nevertheless, hang in there and do anything you can to remind yourself you won't feel like this forever. Just do your best and keep it together as much as you can.

And I agree that any little thing that can help you through this is a valuable asset.
 
  
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