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Friends with benefits

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

22:13 / 24.04.03

while driving a quite drunk femal friend home last night the topic of "friends with benefits" came up.

for those not in the know, that means you hang out all buddy buddy style, but occasionally get naked.

so, anyway, i didnt do anything due to the drunk nature of my friend, but i am curious if anyone here has ever had that kind of relationship work, or is there some mystical nudity boundary that once crossed changes everything.

that

22:37 / 24.04.03

Not me. I've had that arrangement, but the first time the person wasn't really a friend (and anyway, he was scared of me after a bit - for being too weird, which I kind of took as a compliment), and the second time I fell in love. I think it could be manageable, with some people - but mostly someone is going to get attached, or there's going to be some weird jealousy when x or y starts sleeping with someone else/gets into a relationship. Sometimes it seems like a much better idea - a permanent sexual relationship with a good friend instead of like a lover...I dunno. But I know I can't really do it.

w1rebaby

22:40 / 24.04.03

You have to know what sort of person you are. Sex means a lot to me in terms of intimacy, so that sort of thing doesn't work for me, and I've got no particular desire to change that.

Or maybe it's dependent on what intimacy means to you, and how wide you can spread it. I'm fairly sure on past experience, though, that I can't properly separate the two, so best not to try.

Baz Auckland

01:35 / 25.04.03

I've tried on many an occasion, but with no success. A committed relationship always followed. I honestly don't know if I could do it, since I've never actually had sex outside a relationship.... but I do figure it would be worth a shot. I think it can work, but it may be a lot of trouble (or two relaxed people) to ensure that it doesn't fall one way or the other.

Laughing

02:08 / 25.04.03

The concept of "good pals who sometimes lick each other's naughty bits" is wonderful in theory, but it's been my experience that it rarely ever works out. One of the involved parties always ends up falling for the other, and then things get awkward and eventually there's not even a friendship to fall back on. There was one occasion when both myself and the other person eventually decided to be more than just friends with benefits and actually be in a relationship, and that worked out pretty well, though it fizzled out for other reasons. I've never been able to sustain a "sex buddies" relationship for any real length of time though.

I think sex is better in a committed relationship anyway. There's more intimacy and a stronger bond between the two parties. I'm not much of a casual dater myself. Well, not any more.

Tryphena Absent

02:28 / 25.04.03

It can work but you need boundaries. A lot of boundaries. A knowledge that the other person is not going to fall madly in love with you helps and that you're not going to fall for them. Inevitably one of you goes off in to the mad mists of lustville and the other is left alone and hopefully not crying because they fell madly in love. Actually I say yea. How the hell is it meant to work out anyway? I thought the point was that it wasn't meant to?

08:03 / 25.04.03

Sex with friends? Absolutely. But then, I'm twenty-one, and all for sex in general, because I know everything and will never die.

Actually, I think that sort of situation can only last a certain period of time before something goes wrong, no matter how stable it is at first. That's the way it's been for me up 'till now. I think it's usually a fun experiment, but maybe that's my youth showing.

Quantum

08:06 / 25.04.03

They don't work, but do it anyway. Then you can regret it fondly.

gingerbop

17:24 / 25.04.03

Depends how good friends you are. If you are really good or best friends, i dont think its worth the risk. But if its a disposable friend (and i dont like to use that term, but there are some friends u like, but theyre not *special* in particular), then give it a go, and whats the worst that could happen...

I wouldnt say its a very similar situ, but once i was falling violently in love with my best friend (he still is a really good friend) but weeks later found out he was gay, and i was absolutely devastated, i just could not smile for about a month. Which is possibly how it might be if ur buddy started gettin serious with somebody else. xx

bitchiekittie

18:02 / 25.04.03

its all about you both knowing when/where to stop, and actually doing it.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

02:05 / 30.04.03

ok, well, we didnt "get together" as it were, which i suppose is good, because things are already a bit wierd just from kissing a few times...

so yeah, things are strange and uncomfortable in certain situations, so i dont know where to go from here...

Tryphena Absent

02:35 / 30.04.03

Well you probably need to ask yourself whether things are actually strange and uncomfortable or if it's a creation of your own mind. When you see her you don't really have to believe that anything's changed, you don't have to treat her any differently and you could easily just continue life as you both know it. It's only a few kisses after all and she's just a female.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

02:47 / 30.04.03

thats just it, she invited me in last time we were out together, and i said no, and i think thats leading to some tension.

blah

im really actually tired of any relationships with people these days, looking forward to having my own apartment in a few weeks

Tryphena Absent

03:00 / 30.04.03

Erk, well at least someone wants to screw you

and she can just live with you saying no!

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

18:13 / 08.05.03

i would just like to announce that all of those who thought the "friends with benefits" idea was a bad one now have 1 week to fill my life with "I told you so" as many times as you care to

This message brought to you by Elijah, we now return to your regularly scheduled Lithing...

huggles

ohh, i'm sorry elijah.
it *seems* like it would be such a good idea, but...it just so very rarely is. very. rarely.
chin up.

Baz Auckland

19:46 / 08.05.03

It was worth a shot, anyway. It would be far worse if you spent the next year cursing yourself for not trying.... sorry to hear though. Best of luck.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

19:41 / 17.05.03

i am reviving this thread for the last time, and only out of a feeling of outrage and anger the likes of which i have never felt before.

this is cross posted from my livejournal:

so, i am at work and just found out that "the girl" who has been acting like she wants to be my friend has been telling people that we never "hooked up" (god i hate that term, but its usage is appropriate here). Fine, tell them nothing happened, i can live with that.

Oh wait, thats not what she is doing, she is telling people that i tried to kiss her, and she pushed me away, and that i got all pissed off.

FUCK im angry, and she comes into work in like 25 minutes.

this could get ugly...

Less searchable M0rd4nt

19:53 / 17.05.03

Oh, crap, man, that's *foul*. Are you sure she's been saying these things? Could it be someone shit-stirring to get her in bad with you? Try to keep your cool when you see her, though-- blowing up will just reinforce the "Elijah is a dodgy git" version of events.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

19:59 / 17.05.03

yeah, its pretty reliable, and explains why former female friends who know her have been giving me the date rapist look...

blah, well she hasnt come in yet, but i cant get into the schedules today so she may have the day off.

either way though, i know i gotta keep cool about the whole thing, it just makes me angry.

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