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There are some poeple you call friends because they're fun to hang out with, or they make you laugh or whatever. The point is, you like being with them. But do they come in handy? Would they be capable of saving your ass if you needed it saved? Sure they would try, but would it be a successful mission or a bumbling attempt that, while making you feel validated somehow, would still fall quite short (bless their hearts for trying, of course)?
Which is not to say that the ability to help you out should be the key factor in any friendship. But it's good to know that you're friends have skills that can come in handy should the need arise. For instance, my friend Brian has a large collection of skills that never cease to be useful. Make a list? Yeah, why not. I'm a fan of lists.
1. He can smell the police a mile away. There's something supernatural about the way he can spot a cruiser while it's still a speck on the horizon to the rest of us. There have been many times when we were riding around smoking a joint and he called "twelve" (I'm not sure why, but this is his word for "hey, there's a cop") before the cruiser had even turned the corner into view. I don't know how he does it.
2. He's a ninja. Well, not in the traditional sense, in that he's usually dressed in black and was raised in ninja family over in Kaga as a secret weapon used by samurai to carry out missions that would compromise their strict code, but in the sense that he's just as scary sometimes. His skin is pretty damn dark, and although it sounds like a terrible racial slur, at night with his black work slacks on and no shirt he's almost invisible. Plus, he has a habit of not making any sound when he moves. He once almost gave my cat a heart attack by sneaking up on it, although his gross obesity didn't help (my cat's, that is). He's also a pretty good thief.
3. He's really good at beating people up. He's strong, really quick, and seemingly impervious to pain. Christ, I think he likes it. At first I thought he was just a brawler who would lose control if he ever went up against someone with some real combat training, but he's seriously badass. I've seen him take on some really nasty looking guys, and it's usually over in one or two hits. Not that Brian ever stops after one or two hits, but the fight is definately over by then.
"He sounds pretty dangerous. He's black? And from Detroit? Does he do drugs?" asked my grandmother after meeting him. Yeah, grandma, quite a few of them, although he's slowed down considerably. He's still fit, despite years of abusing his body with various chemicals. And due to a penchant for LSD, his mind is probably more flexable than most magicians I know. Not that he goes in for that kind of thing. Which is a shame, really. I'd love to see what he would come up with.
My grandmother, strict southern baptist that she is, wanted to know why her grandchild was hanging out with (gasp) a negro. I told her that although he is extremely dangerous when provoked, he's also intensely loyal to his friends. It's a good feeling to know that if you get fucked with at a club or out on the street, you have a loyal ninja backing you up. But it can be a problem. If he thinks anyone is messing with one of his friends, he might make a bit of a scene, no matter where he is.
All in all, I think everyone should have a friend like him. What peculiar skills do your closest friends have? |
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