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My great-aunt just died

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:16 / 20.04.03

My great-aunt just died, apparently. Well, this morning, anyway. I'm not asking for huggles or sympathy here- we weren't that close, but if anyone fancies sending my mum some huggles they'd be much appreciated.

It's weird- as I say, we weren't that close (not since I was much younger, when we'd visit her all the time), and for the last couple of years, as she grew increasingly old and frail (she was 95), she'd been becoming incredibly bitter. My mum's been doing her best to look after her, popping down to see her every couple of days, trying to organise home help, that kind of thing, for zero gratitude and a bunch of abuse. Every time I've called my mum and she's just come back from there, she's been in tears.

I'm not blaming my G-A for being like that- I think I'd probably become petulant and nasty if I was really old and couldn't do anything for myself- I just wish it wasn't my fucking mum that got all the shit.

As it is, I've found myself the last couple of months wishing my G-A would just hurry up and die, and stop giving my mum such grief. Which I obviously feel terrible about now, even though I can't in my heart of hearts say I didn't mean it and still wouldn't.

Don't get me wrong- I did love her, and I am sad she's dead. I'm not really a heartless bastard.

What does really upset me now, though, is that my mum's getting all "Oh, I should have been there", "I should have done more for her", "it's horrible that she died when we haven't been getting on", and it's really fucking with her head, despite the fact that, as I pointed out, she'd done more than could reasonably have been expected of her, and had she been there more often she'd just have been given more shit, and it wasn't that they weren't getting on, it was just that my G-A was being unreasonable. It's like she's being given shit from beyond the grave.

Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I don't even really know how I feel about it. It just hasn't really come out right when I've told people about it- I thought maybe seeing it in text would make more sense.

20:20 / 20.04.03

Frankly I imagine I'd be a bastard if I was dying.

I think the only thing to do is to keep telling your mum that she did everything she could, above and beyond, and let her come to her own conclusions.

20:31 / 20.04.03

I reckon fridge is right, that's really all you can do - and give your mum lots of love. Huggles to you, Stoatie...

21:02 / 20.04.03

Hugs to you and your cool mum.

23:24 / 20.04.03

Yes, *hugs*. For your Mum, and for you too.

My Grandad died a little while ago, and he was exactly the same, stroppy and obstreperous to the end. My Mum did the feeling bad thing too - you just have to keep telling yours that she did more than anyone else, that you're proud of her, and all the things you're telling her anyway.

And you shouldn't feel terrible for thinking stuff about your Aunt, you cared enough about the whole thing to start this thread.

Lilly Nowhere Late

23:44 / 20.04.03

O my Stoatie,
Perhaps your gA had one of the gasillions of forms of dimentia, nealy
all of which cause her type of behaviour and none of which are
seemmingly properly diagnosed in this country. In which case, your
mom couldn't have done any better and it wouldn't have been noticed
anyway.
Please don't fret and remember it is early days.

01:49 / 21.04.03

Huggles to you and your mum Stoatie, and the rest of your family and friends. Even if you know someone is old and frail, it is a shock when they eventually die.

I had to watch mine go through something similar because my nan died last year (however less intense and over a longer period of time). I didn't really know my nan either, just that she was old and tired and fed up of living. In the end it was a relief when my nan died. If I had the choice of her well and able to enjoy herself I would have preferred that but there wasn't that option. At least now she is at peace, not in pain or discomfort.

So yes, big huggles to you for having to watch everything happen, and to your mum for having to deal with it all. And for that strange emptiness.

Tryphena Absent

02:08 / 21.04.03

Situations like that always majorly suck. Give your mum my sympathy, caring for people who are dying is so very difficult and she's sure to have done all she could. Throw a good wake because it always alleviates the guilt of death just a little (I have a rather morbid enjoyment of funerals- even when I'm really upset- and most people think I'm crazy for it) and I'm very sorry for your loss. Loadsa hugs!

03:47 / 21.04.03

Much sympathy for your mom (and you). Lilly's right - it could be dementia or chronic pain (which doesn't necessarily manifest in the elderly as outright ouchies).

Keep telling your mom she did a marvelous and heroic job. She might be going through guilty feelings similar to yours and needs support.

06:49 / 21.04.03

Huggles to you Chairman, and your mum, I hope the next few days aren't too painful for you and her.

07:49 / 21.04.03

Say, loosing someone who has been around for a long time is really.....huggles, stoat, to quote from.....lilly. Feel so sorry....dunno what to say, my condolences

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

11:06 / 21.04.03

A night spent sitting up talking to my flatmate and drinking absinthe has helped me get my head around it. I still feel the same way, but I don't feel like such a bastard. Thanks everyone. Just ordered some flowers to be delivered to my mum as well (which I was gonna do anyway, cos I totally missed Mother's Day).

ONLY NICE THINGS

13:18 / 21.04.03

That sounds like a very cool and very good son thing to do, Stoats. As has been said, age, pain, possible dementia, all of these things could account for your Great-Aunt's behaviour; it's a shame your mother had to take the brunt of it. But she is no longer suffering, and your mother can, once the shock and pain of loss has receded a little, be comforted that she was conscientious to the end. It sounds like nobody could be criticised for their behaviour, and you're right not to giove yourself a hard time.

13:51 / 21.04.03

Big basket of huggles for the Stoatie household. Would love to say something helpful and intelligent, but, y'know, I'm Bizunth. So just the huggles.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

18:52 / 21.04.03

Aww, Stoatie. Your poor mum. And poor you. Mega hugs, the pair of you.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

19:16 / 21.04.03

Yeah, slightly feverish huggles from me too Stoatie.

Hattie's Kitchen

07:55 / 22.04.03

Ditto to all of the above.

Big squeezie huggles to you and your mum.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

17:19 / 22.04.03

I don't want to start a new thread right now, so i hope Stoatie doesn't mind, but I've just had a call from my Dad to let me know that my Nan died last night.

Christ but it's going around a bit at the moment isn't it?

17:22 / 22.04.03

Another basket of huggles for Lady Lada. I know how you feel, I still miss my Nan, daffy little moon-bunny though she was.

Brigade du jour

20:53 / 22.04.03

Fuck, dude. Big huggles go without saying and I'm saying them anyway.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

00:47 / 23.04.03

Big huggles to you, Lada.