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But seriously, d00d, where IS my car?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:03 / 16.04.03

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST what a day and a half!!!

Okay. I get back from a pleasant afternoon's drinking yesterday to discover that my car's been moved by the council, acting on a request from Thames Water, and a refusal by the police to move it cos it wasn't illegally parked, it just happened to be where (unbeknownst to me) Thames Water had decided they needed to dig up the pavement. Fair enough, as long as they didn't damage it. So, I call the council, to find that their offices have just shut for the day. Again, fair enough, I'll give 'em a call in the morning, thinks I.

FROM FUCKING NINE O'CLOCK THIS FUCKING MORNING UNTIL A QUARTER TO BASTARD THREE THIS AFTERNOON I've been constantly on the phone and wandering around Stoke Newington looking for my car, and being told variously that they phoned and told me they were going to do it (which, I can attest, they didn't), that it HAD to be at Canning Town car pound (no matter how many times I phoned the pound and was told it wasn't there) because there was nowhere else it would be, that NOBODY had moved it (despite a friend of mine having actually a- witnessed them moving it and b- asked them where it was going...)

Eventually I got a call back from parking control (having called them on at least three occasions and being told that they knew nothing about it, and even if they had, it wasn't their responsibility!!!) telling me it was in SODDING DALSTON!!! (I haven't been to check yet, because I've been drinking & therefore wouldn't be able to move it anyway, but I've been given a road name and directions).

Two strange things about the whole malarkey-

one- the cops were the most helpful. They knew that it would have been moved, and not necessarily to the pound. They gave me a whole bunch of phone numbers. Everyone else just said "not our fault", even including the council contractors who moved the fucker.

two- I got to test a pet theory in different circumstances. You know how lighting a cigarette'll make the bus turn up, just cos you can't smoke it on one? (I did once spend far longer than was healthy formulating a Chaoist explanation to this one) Getting pissed'll make your car turn up.

Sorry. Probably very boring, but I had to rant.

Bastard bastard council bastard motherfucker bastards.

16:08 / 16.04.03

That must've been highly fucking frustrating and actually quite disturbing in an Iain Banks' The Bridge type vaguely paranoid way. or it would've been for me. Sorry, d00d...hope it turns up tomorrow.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

16:49 / 16.04.03

You should have got that stupid woman from Jam to help you out a bit, she could have out-stupided everyone until they relented and returned your car for you. I'm not sure but if it's not illegally parked I didn't think the council had the power to move vehicles and you have to wonder why they didn't move it just ten foot down the road rather than to another bloody district.

pointless and uncalled for

17:25 / 16.04.03

Don't use the phone - always, always always make a personal visit. This means that the fucker who has to speak to you can't say, hold the line while I call for you and then make you listen to muzak while they go and make a cup of tea.

I assure that Call Centre Reps will fuck you over for the sake of a piss, a tea/coffee or just a joke that someone close by is telling them.

Other than that, here's a great plan to get revenge. Find a council worker's car, park right up to the bumper, get a mate to do the same to you and then call the police to tow them for boxing you in, which is an offence.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

06:56 / 17.04.03

That's a fucking wicked idea, potus. I just might...

According to the bloke actually working on the water main, he told 'em there was a space round the corner, but, as he put it, "they were right wankers".

I'm just off out to see if it's where I'm told it is.

07:51 / 17.04.03

Bastards. Once you've got it back, call them and ask where it is, get irate, threaten to sue, speak to their superiors etc. Once you're speaking to the top person make it clear that if your car is not found IMMEDIATELY you will bill them for it. That'll fuck 'em, looking for the car you already found and chasing each other's tails passing the buck back and forth. Poetic justice.

08:25 / 17.04.03

And...?

Have you got it back?

ONLY NICE THINGS

10:36 / 17.04.03

And more to the point, HOW COULD THEY MISLAY A CAR THAT LOOKS LIKE BAGPUSS? How many of the fuckers do they get? Is there a special wing?

"Yeah, it's a Ford Escort, leather seats, LOOKS LIKE BAGPUSS, "Y" reg..."

11:25 / 17.04.03

Sorry, Stoatie.

This line made me chuckle, though:

Two strange things about the whole malarkey-

one- the cops were the most helpful.

Ahhh, the voice of the True Anarchopunk(tm) if ever I heard it! I can see the headline in the Stoke Newington Anarchist:

Stoatie in Decent Copper Shock: "They're not all bad apples," claims local man.

As for:

I assure that Call Centre Reps will fuck you over for the sake of a piss, a tea/coffee or just a joke that someone close by is telling them.

You've worked in a callcentre aintchya?!

11:30 / 17.04.03

How can a car look like Bagpuss? Bagpuss is pink and cream. And fat. Is this a reference to old, saggy cloth, and a bit loose at the seams?

Not understanding.

11:35 / 17.04.03

olulabelle - Stoatie was planning to get his VW painted to look like Bagpuss (to match his hair) but I don't know if it's been done yet.

12:05 / 17.04.03

How can a car look like Bagpuss? Bagpuss is pink and cream. And fat.

Spot on. It is a Barbeloid's car, don't forget, and Stoatie's car at that, heh.

pointless and uncalled for

15:11 / 17.04.03

Yes indeed, Bill, many of them, across the globe. They are like a nation unto themselves, answerable to no one and with their own wierd laws and customs.

I prided myself on a certain degree of morality, I would only fuck over the truly decerving cases.

Deserving as in deserving to get fucked over, not as in deserving to get their car back.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

17:49 / 17.04.03

Oh, yeah, got my car back. And, miracle of miracles, it had managed to spend the night parked in Dalston without getting nicked or broken in to!!!

No, the Bagpuss paint job hasn't happened yet- but it's looking way more imminent now, what with me having found out a cheap way of getting it done AND an out-of-work artist who could do with a couple of hundred quid for a day's work. Oh yes, Bugpuss will soon ride.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

13:52 / 19.04.03

Just got it back from the garage, figure'd I'd park it in the car park behind my house (where a- I can see the fucker and b- it's free on bank holidays, so I have a couple of days to figure out where to keep it now) and, just looking out of the window, someone's parked another "classic" Beetle right next to it. It looks cool. There's plenty of space in the car park, as well, so they must have done it for purely aesthetic reasons.

Which is nice.