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Answering machine messages

The Great Jor of Babylon

00:05 / 09.04.03

God help me I'm just not very creative with my answering machine messages. I always want to do something funny or something that will leave people saying "What the fuck?!" I got the best response with this one I found online:

"Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible."

The best part was the delivery, everyone agreed. So... here's where you come in, "help a brother out" and post witty, weird and whacked messages that I can leave to mess with and amuse callers.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

00:27 / 09.04.03

"Hello?
Hello? Is anyone there?
(3-5 second pause)
Listen, stop calling me, I told you I didn't see anything that night!"
beeeeeep

Olulabelle

01:22 / 09.04.03

My best friend's number is one number different from the Psychiatric Counselling service. Her message says: Hello, we are not here right now, if you need Psychiatric help please, please don't leave a message here because even though we'd like to help, we can't. Please ring the following number....

Sometimes I leave messages saying: 'But what if I need Psychiatric counselling from my friend? Hmmm?'

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

02:31 / 09.04.03

You have reached 448-3108. Why?

Char Aina

03:20 / 09.04.03

the 'haloween' theme, with you talking over it about how everyone else in the flat is nowhere to be seen, gone or dead, punctuated with a full-stop scream.

Tezcatlipoca

05:27 / 09.04.03

A friend of mine has the message "This is an intelligence test". From what he tells me, he gets a lot of messages which say nothing but in which you can almost hear the brain of the caller spinning in a confused attempt to say something witty.

videodrome

05:29 / 09.04.03

For years I've used the Bell Labs text-to-speech webpage to create my messages, but the link isn't working now. Gives a simple Speak and Spell sort of effect, but gets the point across.

Unencumbered

06:38 / 09.04.03

"Hello. I'm screening my calls at the moment because there's someone I want to avoid. Leave a message after the tone and if I don't call back, it's you."

Cherry Bomb

07:35 / 09.04.03

My friend has, "Welcome to The Future. Leave a message."

I like that.

The Great Jor of Babylon

08:22 / 09.04.03

Haha! A friend just recommended:

"You've reached Jorge's whorehouse, if you'd like to talk to
Bianca press one, if you'd like to talk to Ginger press two, if you'd like to talk to Shaniqua press three, to talk to management remain on the line"

grant

15:34 / 09.04.03

My favorite: T.S. Eliot's voice (which is hysterically dry, if you've not heard any recordings) saying, very bitterly: "I should have been a pair of ragged claawwws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas..." *BEEP*

My roommate at the time didn't share the same opinion.

He did like it when I played a short flute melody into the machine, though. doo-doo-doop, doop doo-doo. Doo-dun doo-dun doo. *BEEP*

Potguns

15:39 / 09.04.03

Hello..
Oh, hi howya doin?
Sorry I cant hear you can you speak up??
What?? Your breaking up...

This is my answer phone FOOL
Beeeeppp

This works once and is pretty damned annoying but im sure you all know people who have done this.

Pot

Wanted, Wanted, Dolores Haze

16:00 / 09.04.03

"Following an unfortunate incident, < insert name here >'s secretary is no longer employed here. If you wish to apply for the vacancy, leave a message after the tone"

I listened to the above this afternoon, too soon after reading this thread, and was consequently even more off guard than I would have been normally. Having left the worst message in the world (so rambling I was cut off) I felt the need to call back five minutes later merely to say "I am sorry. That was a bad message. Please do not think that I am insane"

Whisky Priestess

16:59 / 09.04.03

I used to have the A-Team intro on mine, namely:

"In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team."

followed by the theme music. (amusing link here)http://www.jardmail.co.uk/songs/ateam.shtml

How did people know they'd got through to my number, you ask?

They just knew.

The Puck

22:52 / 09.04.03

my brothers was

Hello! no i cant hear you im in town
(talking off phone)
(shouts) NO! (thumping scuffling and sounds of stuff breaking)
(background street sounds)
BEEEP

he is a git

Regrettable Juvenilia

10:03 / 10.04.03

As of yesterday my new favourite belongs to Barbelith's own reflect, who can be heard simply asking (in a very emphatic and rather threatening tone): "WHY HAVE YOU CALLED ME?"

Morlock - groupie for hire

12:48 / 10.04.03

Keep it simple:

"Hi, sorry, my answering machine isn't working."

Beeep

paketto_keiretsu

20:53 / 11.04.03

the text to speech page moved here:

http://morrissey.naturalvoices.com/tts/cgi-bin/nph-talk

RadJose

22:34 / 11.04.03

the best one i ever had was accidental, sometime during a party at our house someone hit the "record out going message" button and it recorded about 30 of a party... it was awesome, you'd just call our number and here a party backround noise then "beep"... i loved it and didn't tell my roomates about it, once they found out it was a chore to keep it from being changed...

The Apple-Picker

12:30 / 12.04.03

I leave outgoing messages updating callers on my daily life with my pretend live-in boyfriend, Bruno. We do a lot of baking.

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