BARBELITH underground
 

Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.


Feedback on the Mawson Triton story (calling moderators)

 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
17:14 / 06.04.03
Hello, I have short story of about 4000 words that I would like some stern critical feedback on. Thing is I'm not sure what the rules are on people posting short stories on here, as I could see it taking up a lot of wavelength.

Am I able to post my short story?
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
14:22 / 07.04.03
How long was the Knodger's manifesto? Just so long as it's shorter than that I couldn't see a problem. Maybe if you start the story in a thread, then have a seperate thread for discussion/comments (which, lacking locking facilities may involve before and after the story having a link to the discussion thread) it will be okay.

I'd certainly be interested in seeing it and, depending on how the board handles it, may like to try posting some of my efforts at a later date.
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
16:20 / 07.04.03
Cheers for the response Guadalupe and I look forward to reading anything you post. The only reason I asked is because with all the people here with someinterest or another in writing I thought there may be an embargo on this kind of thing due to bandwidth restrictions or something. Anyway I'm going to post my story, if I done wrong then we can just get rid of the thread.

I was going to use this as the feedback thread (hence it's name, again I was trying to be mindful of space).

So anyway people I would dearly like to hear critical response to what I've written you can be as brutal as you want I would only ask that you're constructive.
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
16:34 / 07.04.03
Knowledge has a manifesto? Weird. Or is this another meeting I missed, do we all need manifesto's now?
 
 
deja_vroom
16:41 / 07.04.03
I don't know, but I'm starting my own right now.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
20:26 / 07.04.03
Knodge's manifesto was so dull, I couldn't get through it, and I actually read the government's Iraq dossier. The boring one, not the one they ripped off. Manifestos are not compulsory, but if you write one and you want us to read it, for God's sake make it printable and throw us a gag or two...
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
20:30 / 07.04.03
Okay, Reid, read the story. Got some thoughts - you want the soft, the hard, or the ugly?
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
08:12 / 08.04.03
A question I haven't heard since I was in the Scouts.

Ugly, please as I said to the Six (or whatever they're called).
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
08:35 / 08.04.03
Right. In broad terms, I liked it, funny, especially Mawson's solution to the posession problem, his reaction to the parents afterwards and the whole thing between him and the demon. In specifics (and in no particular order (And I'm not a professional critic NDIPOOT)...

Edwardian you say? Apart from the 'dancing sambo' reference none of the humans particularly sounded like it. It takes a particular kind of narrator to pull off pop-culture references like to John Woo and here it just grated. I don't think 'The Exorcist' particularly needed to be mentioned either, references to vomit and Linda Blair would have been sufficient to clue in anyone with half a brain as to what was happening. The text at times comes off a little too arch and knowing, and the physical description of Mawson is too long and detailed, especially in phrases like angular and almost but not to narrow, His mouth was thin slash but somehow managed to avoid the cruelty that such thinness normally gives, quite the opposite.... I've made this mistake myself, trying to fit too much in to one place. Perhaps some of the description could be taken out here and moved to later on in the story (if you want to talk about his lips, how about when he's arguing with his Dad?). Mawson says "Er Hello" twice when he arrives.

How's that?
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
09:44 / 16.04.03
Guadalupe, cheers for the feedback.

I'm not sure if it's funny, I think it may just be a bit flippant and I'm also worried that some of the humour (if not most of the story) may be a little derivative. Though I must admit I am looking at moving away from humour.

Edwardian. I think it was there but not over the top (slightly anachronistic way of speaking etc.) but I do admit that it could be more descriptive of the period, on the other hand there were bits that were supposed to jar with the period, some of the home secretary's language ("Home secretary by the way!") was supposed to be quite modern. In fact one of my big worries is that I am an extrememly lazy writer. I like my dialogue but can't be bothered with my description. I think some of that comes from script writing training I've had where the descriptive passages can be quite sterile. However the "Dancing Sambo" refrence, whilst useful to demonstrate exactly what kind of prick the Home Secretary, I'm quite uncomfortable with I think it sticks out and is unnesseccary. As was Mawson's response in calling him a cunt.

You're right about the pop cult refs, they don't work. The Exorcist ones should be played down and John Woo removed.

I also like the suggestion that more of the description should be blended into the rest of the text. Though I'm quite concious of not falling into the listing trap again I need to work on my descriptive passages.

And of course I need to learn to spell and use grammar. Sometimes I can't help but think that this country's educational establishment has let me down.

Nick I hope you manage to post a reply as I'm genuinely interested in one you have to say. Make it as harsh as you want, that is the point of the excercise. Hell you can tell me I'm an embarressment to short story writing and should never write again if you want (though I must admit I wouldn't particularly listen to that bit of advice).
 
 
Whisky Priestess
13:49 / 16.04.03
Reid, I'm going thru your story doing what a magazine or book editor would do to it (i.e. correcting all the spelling, grammar and style errors and making a few suggestions for cuts/rephrasing). There's too many tiny fiddly things to mention here so are you OK with me emailing the edited document to you?

What I've done is turn on Track Changes in MS word - all my changes show up in red and to accept them you simply right-click and choose which ones (or all) to accept. I can also send you the cleaned-up edited version with all the changes accepted so you can see how it reads having been edited by me. (This is vg practice for me actually ...)
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
09:38 / 24.04.03
Whiskey thanks very much for the edited version. Much appreciated and now the story makes sense.

Would you be okay if we posted the edited version up?

Could you send me the edited version? Technical imeptitude on my part is causing me some problems with the corection thingy and I pretty much agree with all the changes though "diamantine brilliance" did give me pause for thought but then I thought how many other people have diamantine brilliance as a phrase in their stories. Very few that's whom!
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
07:24 / 29.04.03
Right I've posted the version that's been edited by Whiskey (though I think it's waiting moderation at the moment), it's a vast improvement and makes the story a lot more readable.

Whiskey I managed to get the corrections thing to work on my work computer, I don't think the one I have at home is that sophisticated.
 
  
Add Your Reply