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On Love: Irrational Jealousies

SecretlyClarkKent

01:14 / 24.03.03

The set-up: I've been in a relationship for nearly eight months now, with my best friend of two years. He and I have had an extraordinarily close friendship from the very beginning. Aside from a rocky start, our romantic relationship has felt like a very, very natural extension of that friendship. Everything about the relationship is pretty much perfect, to the point that we make others sick. The only major problem with our relationship is that we don't live together because we cannot afford to, and so we don't get to see each other nearly enough.

The problem at hand: I'm irrational. Only a little, and my jealousies tend to be tiny and easy forgiveable. I have regular, normal tiny jealousies that I think everyone does, like the fact that I'm not entirely comfortable talking about his past relationships, especially not his sexual ones. I have strange ones, too. At least I think their strange.

Like, for instance, last night we were driving around and he mentioned the time that he played go-go boy for a group of friends in a club. Only happened once, only for friends, and he only got so far as to unbutton his shirt. And it was six years ago. [Four years before I even knew him. A year before he even lived in the same state as I do.]

When he told me, though, it drove me crazy. It kind of put me in something of a short-term pissy mood. I peg it as jealousy. But I haven't decided why I'm jealous, necassarily.

Does anyone else have tiny, irrational jealousies like this?

-Jared

Tryphena Absent

01:54 / 24.03.03

God I'm irrational about everything and jealous... my personality leans towards short- lived jealousy. I'd give you an example but it's all way too shameful and I'm clearly in denial about my own character because I keep on hoping I'll outgrow the irrational! I think the most important thing is to retain a sense of humour about yourself. As long as you know you're being off the wall you can turn round and laugh later on and attempt to exercise some control.

What's his reaction? The last guy I went out with used to find my jealousy endearing... bless him.

SecretlyClarkKent

02:37 / 24.03.03

D. pretty much finds everything that I do endearing. [I know that sounds egotistical, but it's honest.] He's generally not aware of most of my jealousies, because I don't feel the need to bog him down in most of them, even if I should. He does know this one, though, I couldn't help but react as he was telling me. He didn't understand it, which, neither do I so I guess that makes sense. It probably would have helped him if I could have elaborated. In the end, he's ultimately caring, and concerned, and he always wants me to be comfortable and happy. I never take that for granted, either.

-Jared

05:26 / 24.03.03

15:06 / 24.03.03

don't be jealous, just look at the pretty flower!!!

seriously though, it's good that you're aware of your jealousy and that you know it's irrational. This will sound cliched but I think admitting it to yourself solves half the problem, when I get jealous, I admit that yes I am jealous, and also that it's completely irrational, and just human nature to be jealous, I find that this seems to make the feeling go away, by admitting it's stupid but it is okay to feel like that.
I also find that I try to hide my jealous feelings as much as possible from other people, because they are irrational I tend not to want other people to know about them, I think out of the fear they'll take them too seriously.

15:24 / 24.03.03

There have been times when I've felt completely consumed by jealousy, but I never acted on it - I usually just bottle it up, for better or worse. One time I got really mad and punched through a glass window, but that was just once. I learned my lesson about rage that day.

The truth is, I've never been in any relationship in which I haven't been cheated on at least twice over, so I've got a lot of experience playing the part of the cuckold. I guess I deserved it every time, though. If I could not please them, then it is maybe for the better than someone else could.

16:11 / 24.03.03

I have mercifully trained myself to be much less jealous than I was when much younger. I had no alternative since jealousy is poisonous and usually, as you say, irrational. My petty jealousies within relationships were pretty ineffective in promoting their long term health. That required me to learn to be more empathic and forgiving. They don't go overnight when you realise that they, eventually, hurt only your own interests but at least it stops you allowing yourself to turn into Othello for no, or little, reason.

I am always puzzled that people prize jealousy or see it as a positive thing in a relationship. That has never been my experience and I've been around the block, with more than my share of screw ups on the love front. It springs from a fundamental insecurity that most of us would have but does bugger all to prevent the things we fear from occurring. It's like getting bitter and unable to trust when a relationship falls apart. We all do it, we all need to, but if you get stuck in that unhappy place, it becomes a way of life and you never find the one you were waiting for, where it all fits.

Sounds like you too love each other a lot and are good friends as well as lovers, though. There's something to make lots of other people aiming for that combination mighty jealous.

18:11 / 24.03.03

Sorry that my previous post was bitter and pretty unhelpful. I'm at the fag end of yet another bad relationship experience and sometimes it pisses me off that the only thing I'm psychic about is other people's sexual and romantic relationships, whether or not they're involved with me. But anyway, Xoc is right as always. I would say, however, that for a jealousy-free relationship there needs to be mutual trust and respect of boundaries within the relationship. Like, you can't expect someone to be cool about you sleeping with someone else unless you'd negotiated for it to be an open relationship. But that sounds a completely different from the sort of situation you're talking about. I do think you have the right to state what you need from your partner and to expect a certain amount of attention, etc. but that's more about significant and at least semi-rational jealousy than the insignificant, irrational sort. About that sort of jealousy - Icicle is right. If you can acknowledge to yourself and possibly to your partner that you are jealous, and that it is silly, it really stops that horrible tension that jealousy causes and you might even be able to kind of laugh it off.

SecretlyClarkKent

22:42 / 24.03.03

Cholister: I was jealous of one ex's best friend, and another ex's fucking bicycle because he spent so much fucking time with it.

I can relate to this one, definitely. D. plays guitar, and it has a name and everything, and I get jealous of it. However, my jealousy of that one has something of a logical basis, and the idea of my jealousy toward the guitar has kind of been blown out of proportion with all of my friends.

Cholister: I do think you have the right to state what you need from your partner and to expect a certain amount of attention, etc. but that's more about significant and at least semi-rational jealousy than the insignificant, irrational sort. About that sort of jealousy - Icicle is right. If you can acknowledge to yourself and possibly to your partner that you are jealous, and that it is silly, it really stops that horrible tension that jealousy causes and you might even be able to kind of laugh it off.

I try to laugh it off for the most part, but I'm also pretty wary of it. I never thought myself to be the jealous type [without a certain level of justification, which isn't present in most of my cases], and I don't like having these insignificant jealousies. However, D. and I are extremely open with one another, and I know that I'm honest, and I know that he's honest because I can see the dizzy-love look in his eyes when he sees me. He's aware of all but one of my jealousies, I think, and he thinks that they're unfounded. I tend to agree. I just can't help it.

I think, for the most part, that I'm scared of losing what I have. Not justifiably so, either. I've never been in a relationship like this, where so much is at stake. I've never been in love before, not like this. I've never shared this much, I've never taken this much from someone, I've never given this much to someone. In all honesty, I don't have real jealousies, or fears. I know that D. won't cheat on me, he was celibate for three years before he met me. He has an honor code that's as high, if not higher, than my own.

That's why, in the end, they're irrational.

Thank you to everyone who's replied so far.

-Jared

21:28 / 25.03.03

That's cool, about the code of honour - I think you two sound pretty steady, you know? I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships lately and have come to the conclusion that there is no 'one', and that love isn't all its cracked up to be. But if you do love someone, and want to have a relationship with them, then there has to be an equal amount of effort from both parties, or it just won't work. Effort is what makes lasting relationships possible. Currently, I'm trying not to write off love altogether, but if I ever do get into another relationship I am going to make damn sure that the other person is prepared to treat me as well as I treat them, to make the effort for the relationship. But I think I'm wandering off topic a bit here and seeing as I have to be up at 5.45 to walk the dog, I should probably go to bed.