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Live From the House of Commons Debate on Iraq: in translation

We're The Great Old Ones Now

11:44 / 18.03.03

Mr. Tony Blair, Laboured: My Fellow Americans -

Mr. Gordon Brown, Lab, Sotto Voce: Brits.

Mr. Blair: Yes, thank you, right, as you were. After the sad failure of diplomatic efforts to get everyone to line up and do as they're told, we must uphold the United Nations by ignoring it, or the world we know it is a powerless organisation sympathetic to people who do not agree with it. It is therefore with a heavy heart that I come to you to tell you that Saddam Hussein is a very bad man, and we should bomb his people to end their suffering.

Ms. Glenda Bafta, Lab: Oil!

Mr. Blair: This is not about oil revenues, it is about securing justice and the American Way of Life.

Mr. Duncan Clone, Con: Well said. And let me take this opportunity to say that the Liberal Democratic Party want my job, and they shouldn't get it because they make no sense, and no one is interested in what they have to say.

Mr. Blair: I'm talking.

Sir Teddy of Taylor, Lab: That's the first true thing he's said all day!

More drivel as they speak it...

11:54 / 18.03.03

Tory guy"I will now list Saddam Hussein's litany of crimes, from internal repression to the invasions of Kuwait, Iran and attacks on Saudia Arabia and Israel. No one will shed a tear over this man's mortality, believe me."

"...then again. We won't exactly shed tears over anyone else for that matter. Those damn Iraqis are just asylum seekers in the making."

Whisky Priestess

12:11 / 18.03.03

Mr. Charles F. Kennedy Jr (Lib.Dem)

"Allow me to say that I concur wholeheartfully with what Senator Blair has to say. Although we are of different parties, I think, he and his lovely wife Cherie would be welcome to beg - sorry, sit - at our table any time, whether that table be the table of negotiability or the sterner table of military aggressorification. Or the one me and Laura eat our dinner offa - "

Mr. Robin Cook (Lab, rtd.) leaps up and pulls bad Charles Kennedy mask off the speaker.

"GASP!! It's George W. Bush II Junior in DISGUISE! What shall we do with him, chaps?"

12:28 / 18.03.03

Alan Howarth - Former Tory, Now Labour (like there's much of a difference anyway - praises the PM's stance, and quotes from Hans Blix's report to suggest that there is a plethora of missing illegal weapons.

He is contradicted by two other MPs: We don't believe Hans Blix included the phrases "Kill them! Now! Now!" and "The UN sucks ass" in his report.

12:32 / 18.03.03

Unfortunately, a poor and nervous speaker, he refers to the "Ninth of September"

Mr Kennedy picks his nose and turns red.

He jokes that Mr Blair has had his revenge on her by forcing her to stay IN the cabinet...Mr Blair laughs.

My faith in democracy is dead. Happy?

Goodness Gracious Meme

14:10 / 18.03.03

Tony Blair So, in conclusion, whether you agree with the arguments put foward for war or not, I hope this house can agree on the most important issue of all: that it's all the fault of the Bloody Frogs.

Blairites/Shadow Cabinet: Hear hear, burble burble, stamping of feet

(Robin Cook, underfoot): Ow.

Ian Duncan Smith: May I say that I agree with the Right Honourable gentleman opposite, and would like to make it known that I'm glad we've finally got a leader

Tory front bench: ahem?

IDS or rather, Prime Minister, who isn't fooled by those bloody garlic-eaters.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

14:42 / 18.03.03

Ian Duncan Clone, Con: And may I say that my colleague the right honourable leader of the Liberal Democratic Party was quite wrong to accuse the Convservative Party of supporting Saddam Hussein's evil regime in previous decades, and that this party has engaged in a prolonged game of chess with that evil despot, seeking to glean useful information about his weapons of mass destruction by building them?

Sir Nicholas Westmoreland, Con: Ahem.

Ian Dunkin' Donut, Con: I give way to the honourable gentleman.

Sir Nicholas Ordtech, Con: Thank you, I just wanted to point out that this matter was fully covered in the Whitewash published at the time, in which I entirely exonerated myself.

The Speaker of the House: May I remind the honourble gentlemen and ladies that time is short?

William Hagiography, Con: May I point out that I was never this funny when I was party leader because I had nothing to say anyone wanted to hear? May I remind the House that this is not an opportunity for point scoring? And may I further ask why the right honourable Ms. Short is mysteriously absent from the front bench despite mysteriously still being on the front bench?

The Right Rev. Blair: Ms. Short has confessed her desire to have a career and been shriven of her sins by myself and Cardinal Prescott, and that should be enough for anyone. Now, can we please return to the business of fixing the vote for this evening's important democratic process before I have to excommunicate all of you for not following orders?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

14:47 / 18.03.03

Clare Short (defiantly, still MP)- As the self-appointed "conscience of the Commons", can I just make it plain that, having weighed up all the options, senseless slaughter is now the only way forward?