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The ideal chocolate bar

14:50 / 06.03.03

What's yours?

I'm going to be rather too conventional for my own liking and suggect that old stand-by, the Kit-Kat Chunky, but with this very important condition: the wafer bit MUST be positioned in such a way that there is at least a three-millimetres'-width of chocolate (or probably 'chocolate') on each side of the wafer. I don't mind some unevenness, but that's the minimum. Otherwise how can you eat the thing in the correct and time-honoured way? (Anyone who doesn't know what that is will be sent to Coventry). There's nothing worse than finding that one side of your Kit-Kat has a mere scraping of chocolate on it. It's like a microcosm of all that is wrong with the modern world...

14:53 / 06.03.03

So many to choose from. On reflection: Crunchie.

14:56 / 06.03.03

You have to say why... or make one up... the thing about Kit-Kats is that the chocolate is frankly a wee bit icky but there's something about it and about the middle wafer bit (which is vaguely reminiscent of pink wafers) which is almost-but-not-quite-gooey and I could rhapsodise at length but I have to go to a seminar five minutes ago... I will be back...

Regrettable Juvenilia

15:01 / 06.03.03

They no longer make what was once my favourite: the Secret, a lattice of thin chocolate strands containing a fluffy chocolate filling... It was so posh and effete that it came with its own little bit of card to sit it on, and it cost 10p more than anything else.

Nowadays I like a Marble, the chocolate equivalent of crack cocaine.

Matthew Fluxington

15:02 / 06.03.03

You know, I'd be thrilled to just have a simple milky milk chocolate bar, like a standard Cadbury chocolate bar.

I'm a big fan of rice crunchy things too.

Hattie's Kitchen

15:04 / 06.03.03

Kit Kats for me, closely followed by Fry's Chocolate Cream (Peppermint)...I remember getting a Kit Kat once, I was soooo looking forward to it, I opened it up, savoured the ritual breaking of the co-joined fingers, took a bite and to my horror I found that it was ALL chocolate - no wafer whatsoever. Was it a factory fuck-up? I shall never know but I can't express how cheated I felt.

I worked for United Biscuits for four years and didn't have to buy chocolate once in the time I was there...you name it, Jaffa Cakes, McVitie's Hob Nobs, everything was on tap. I ended up putting on about three stone in weight but it was well worth it.

Old brown-eye is back

15:14 / 06.03.03

It depends how I'm feeling on the day.

There's nothing like eating the chocolate off of a Crunchie and then sucking the bit in the middle until it disolves - especially if it's been in the fridge. At the same time, the rush from you get from eating two Cadbury's Cream Eggs one after the other is near impossible to replicate. Currently, I'm all about biscuit and raisen Yorkies because they're just so goddamn manly.

Of course the greatest confectionary tends to come in a bag, but that's a different thread for a different time.

15:27 / 06.03.03

I think mine would consist of (in order of %): marzipan, peanuts, fudge, cherries - just mix 'em all up and wrap it in chocolate. Lovely.

15:52 / 06.03.03

Have always been a big fan of the Crunchie, as Rothkoid and Kit-Kat can corroborate, having witnessed my buying binges upon departing London for the US again. Should've seen how many I bought in the duty-free...

But my recent hands-down fave has been the Dark Chocolate Kit-Kat, which was some sort of dumbass limited edition thing in the states around this Xmas past. Dunno if they were available elsewhere as well, but god were those good. Stockpiled on them as well.

And in the '70s it was the Marathon - a thin lattice of caramel covered in a perfect layer of chocolate....mmmm.....Marathon...

16:11 / 06.03.03

"And in the '70s it was the Marathon - a thin lattice of caramel covered in a perfect layer of chocolate....mmmm.....Marathon.." VD

Sounds more like a curly-wurly, a long time favourite of mine since childhood.
On a more sophisticated note I still miss the cabana bar - nougat, nuts & melon (really?) pieces, I was just old enough to start enjoying this tropical tasty when it was withdrawn... now anything with less than 50% cocoa solids will do.

18:26 / 06.03.03

So is that why they changed the name of Marathon (in the UK) to Snickers? Because there was already a Marathon in the States?

Matthew Fluxington

18:46 / 06.03.03

I'm not sure, but I'd imagine that the Snickers bar that you now have in the UK is the same as the massively popular Snickers bar that's been around in the US for ages now. A Snickers bar is brown nougat with peanuts and caramel, covered in chocolate. It's essentially a Milky Way with peanuts. It sounds like USA brand imperialism to me..

18:56 / 06.03.03

I thought we absorbed the Snickers name from the U.S. because that's what they called it, Cholister, but am not certain despite my name being an abbreviation of Xocolatl, whence came the very term chocolate. Marathon was a very fine name but I could never eat more than one bite of one. God knows why they changed it. But don't get me started on my Old Man Rant about Treats becoming M&Ms and Opal Fruits becoming Starbursts or some other bloody thing.

KitKats (are they not the best selling chocolate bar in the world?) are my favourite too. I did stray into the chunky camp for a wee while but have swung firmly back into the four fingers camp again. This despite their horrid new wrapping. I reckon there's a higher chocolate to biscuit ratio with the slender finger mode.

But I am trying to abjure chocolate and crisps at the moment for reasons of rotundity, so this debate is entirely academic. *salivates at the very thought of yummy yummy KitKat*

I did eat a packet of Minstrels (see, no willpower at all) at the cinema t'other night and they're exceedingly good but not a chocolate bar.

Matthew Fluxington

19:09 / 06.03.03

Judging by a bit of net research that I just did, it seems that Kit Kat is the best selling chocolate bar in the UK, but Snickers is the best selling chocolate bar in the US.

19:14 / 06.03.03

Ritter Sports, you milktoasts. Marzipan Ritter Sports - in the red label. This is a chocolate bar. It leaves you with no doubts.

Small squares of marizpan isolated in a thick layer of dark chocolate. Just small enough that you feel slightly indulgent finishing the whole thing by yourself. Dense enough chocolate that you have to (and are, in fact instructed to - it's German, after all) break it in half before it is unwrapped. The breaking is how you unwrap it, actually.

Gorgeous things.

19:24 / 06.03.03

For savouring: the biggest, blackest, darkest chocolate you can find me. I'll lap it up.

For general chocolate craving; Fuse. Nuts. Raisins. Lots of chocolate. Really quite nice. Tasty and doesn't make my throat stick together.

19:25 / 06.03.03

Oh yes. Ritter Sport Marzipan.

Yum beyond your wildest comprehension.

19:39 / 06.03.03

I had some great ones in Austria that I can't for the life of me remember. I love Time Out, but I think they've discontinued them here now. I have to say, the UK has a much better chocolate selection than Canada.

There's just something I like about the Time Outs, possibly because during the first trip I ever went on (London, age 16), for one 24 hour period, the only thing I had was a Time Out bar. (I forgot to have proper meals... you know... )It kept me alive though and it's brought good memories for me since.

Constitution Hill

19:47 / 06.03.03

As yet undeveloped, but i'm hoping that my weekly letters & daily emails will finally convince Cadbury to make my ideal chocolate bar: the thumb of fudge. Just like a normal Cadbury's Fudge, but shorter and fatter. And you could sell one with 4 regular Fudges as a Hand of Fudge - Five Digits of Chocolatey Fudge Goodness. Yum.

21:07 / 06.03.03

I meant, did they originally not call it a Marathon in the US because there was already a Curly-Wurlie style 'Marathon' bar there? Sorry...I can't work out how to make it any clearer than that. I always wondered why they changed the name over here, why it was not just Snickers from the word go. The presence of another bar called a Marathon explains that somewhat.

21:09 / 06.03.03

I like Drifters myself. But bastard Nestle make them. So my morally upstanding choice is Green and Black's drug-quality dark chocolate. I also like marzipan - Thorntons do a good marzipan bar which Tescos now sell.

Tryphena Absent

21:13 / 06.03.03

I'm a Ritter girl, Bournville because it melts so yummily, Tasters and Mini Eggs. I feel unfaithful to every other chocolate bar I eat now. It seems necessary to point out that I'd give it all up for Entenmann's chocolate fudge cake warmed up in a microwave for twenty seconds and smothered in double cream. Mmmmmm.

21:24 / 06.03.03

Green and Black's drug-quality dark chocolate.

Cholister, you are an evil temptress to mention such a thing. I am, as I type, putting on a balaclava and searching out my jimmy to head for a shut Sainsbury's and burgle some. It is also a fine addition to a bowl of chili, btw. Kept in the fridge, savoured one square at a time. Oh yes.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

22:13 / 06.03.03

Cholister and Xoc: after you with the Green & Blacks. A bar of their Maya Gold (the orangey-spicy one) and some crystllized ginger... oh, bliss.

Paleface: have you ever tried the really hardcore Lindt bars? I was at a chocoholic freind's house, and he brings out this bar. 99% cocoa. I kid you not. It had a little guide as to how one should eat it, with a graph and a warning that neophytes should start with something less terrifying and work up. It was odd: not a trace of sweetness, just the pure flavour of the chocolate.

Regrettable Juvenilia

13:39 / 07.03.03

I've only just noticed the topic abstract - yes, yes, round the on-believers up and put them in camps. On the subject of Topics - does anyone actually like them? Riz sounds like he might, I guess.

Can any Americans confirm for me that oft-heard rumour that chocolate from the UK tastes quite different and in fact better than that from the US? I don't think I had any while I was actually in New York...

I second Flux's choice of a simple bar of Cadbury's Milk Chocolate. Especially with a cup of tea. Mmmmm.

13:43 / 07.03.03

hhmm.. Topic. Acceptable, but too small, and not enough of anything.

You hear that all powerful chocolate moguls?? It's Too Little, Too Late!

13:51 / 07.03.03

UK chocolate does taste better, but it could just be a Cadbury issue. Anything by Nestle or Hershey isn't as good. Especially Hershey. America seems to have too many marshmellow based bars too.

13:51 / 07.03.03

I was discussing what chocolate bars most represented people, and I told one of my friends he was a Topic. "Nobody likes topics."

I was joking. But the facts are true.

Matthew Fluxington

13:55 / 07.03.03

Suds was telling me a while back about how her dad works as a scientist for Cadbury, and apparently the recipe for the Cadbury's chocolate in the US is different from the UK version. Apparently the US Cadbury chocolate some content which would technically be considered cheese. I've had both the US and the UK versions, and I didn't notice a huge difference - the consistency of the UK version was a bit more appealing, but the flavor wasn't that much different.

Apparently the 'cheese' thing has to do with chemistry and manufacturing differences, and that chocolate usually has a longer shelf life in the US, so there's more preservatives or something like that.

13:59 / 07.03.03

My brother's girlfriend is English and she now lives in Australia and swears that Cadbury's from England is totally different and far superior to Cadbury's from Australia. So perhaps there's something to that story.

And while we're here, you might as well lassoo me from your horses and drag me in circles in the dirt. I'm not fussed about chocolate at all. It's not that I don't like the taste, it just doesn't excite me enough to bother eating it. I used to eat the odd chocolate bar just because they're there really, rather than out of any real desire. And as a kid I used to love powdered chocolate for putting on ice cream or for making chocolate milk, but these days it doesn't even register on my food radar. And since going vegan there's obviously a lot less choice in chocolatey things, but I haven't investigated it any further and in that time I don't think I've touched a single piece of chocolate.

Wouldn't you rather a nice packet of crisps?

14:35 / 07.03.03

My ultimate chocolate experience has been at a shop called "The Chocolate Society" near to my workplace. Amazing quality choclate melted into hot cream, I think, can't remember the exact details, I was too busy having an oral orgasm (that'd make a good name for a chocolate bar, doncha think?). I was high after drinking it. Liquid Gold.

But what about fictional chocolate bars? I wish I had a copy of Willa Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to hand. I've always wanted to try those bars, and which 2000AD reader never wanted to try Umpty Candy? For those of you who suffered a deprived childhood devoid of Tharg the Mighty and his minions, Umpty Candy was a type of sweet available on the streets of Mega City 1. It was banned and a subsequent black market arose because it was addictive, it's addictive properties arose solely because it tasted so good.

And brit-choc is lower quality than in Europe, due to the higher vegetable fat content, I think. There's was a row with the EU about it last year I think and it might have been called "vegelate" if those Evil Brussels Beauraucrats had had their way depriving the UK Companies of their god-given right to sell mislabelled shit etc. etc.

21:18 / 07.03.03

You’re entirely correct, Cholister, and here is confirmation of the American Curly Wurly.

The marathon bar was a full eight inches of braided chocolate and caramel. Introduced in 1973, the bar stood out, thanks to its bright-red package and gargantuan length. Inch markings printed on the wrapper showed that it was as long as it claimed. (The length was the result of its braided shape; it didn't weigh more than standard candy bars.) When sales didn't meet expectations, Mars Inc., took it off the shelves in 1981.

Btw, if you're ever in Edinburgh, there is a delightful chocolaterie just beyond the Netherbow down the High Street, where everything sold is either chocolate or mostly chocolate. It appears, unexpectedly perhaps, to be owned and run by a Japanese couple. Even the coffee only comes in chocolate flavours.

The Return Of Rothkoid

11:50 / 09.03.03

Ooh. The Goo-Goo Nut Cluster. Which is a kind of biscuitty thing. I've had two in my life, and they rotted all the teeth in my head. I want more.

Failing that, Milky Bar will do nicely. As will Violet Crumble, as it's a bit more rugged than a Crunchie.

Actually, anything by Haigh's is worth its weight in some shiny substance, too.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

18:21 / 09.03.03

I fondly remember Pyramints which, back then, were pricey but worth it. aren't even close to the sheer illicit thrill of the Pyramint.

And why has no-one mentioned Tim-Tams yet? The sole reason we forgave Australia for Mel Gibson and Brian Bryan.

The Return Of Rothkoid

21:08 / 09.03.03

Mel Gibson remains an American, kids. And Bryan Brown is a terrible mistake for which we've apologised many times. Bruce Forsyth is still roaming free, when last I checked, so fingerpointing ain't good...

As for the Tim-Tam? They're good. But they're bickies, per se, not chocolate bars, however scrumptious they be.