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The new issue of SPIN magazine is devoted to silly lists - not so much best-of canonical hierarchy stuff, but lists of factoids or jokey stuff meant for fun. I thought it may be fun if we tried making some of our own. I'll start off with a few good examples from the magazine to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, but then we can go crazy and have fun with it.
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Nine Examples of Practical Sex Advice From Prince Songs
1. If you have sex with someone once, but you utitilize no fewer than 23 different positions during that encounter, you should call this person the next day - not because it's nice, but because you need to remind him or her that this did, in fact, happen. ("Gett Off")
2. Women masturbating with magazines in hotel lobbies will likely be open to myriad sexual suggestions. ("Darling Nikki")
3. The fact that a woman has a pocket full of used condoms is no reason not to have sex with her. ("Little Red Corvette")
4. If your sister is exactly twice your age, feel free to make love to her. ("Sister")
5. You can tell a lot about a woman by the degree to which her breasts bounce. ("Peach")
6. When attempting to remove clothing from a woman of larger proportions, it is somehow very sexy to request that she "move [that] big ass 'round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby." ("Gett Off")
7. Women who are about to get married will still perform oral sex, as this is not really infidelity. ("Head")
8. Threesomes are emotionally difficult, but we must overcome this if we are truly in love. ("When You Were Mine")
9. Dude, it's not the body, it's the mind. ("Sexy M.F.")
Five "Life on the Road is Crazy, Baby, and I Realize It's Taking Its Toll on Our Meaningful Relationship, but I Gotta Keep Rockin' With the Boys Just a Little Bit Longer" Songs
1. "Beth", Kiss
2. "Home Sweet Home", Motley Crue
3. "Mama, I'm Coming Home", Ozzy Osbourne
4. "Faithfully", Journey
5. "Letter to My Daughters", Uncle Kracker
Ten Songs About S&M
1. "I Wanna Be Your Dog", The Stooges
2. "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!", X-Ray Spex
3. "Master and Servant", Depeche Mode
4. "Whip It", Devo
5. "The Dominatrix Sleeps Tonight", Dominatrix
6. "Submission", the Sex Pistols
7. "Beat My Guest", Adam Ant
8. "Pretty Tied Up", Guns N Roses
9. "Happiness In Slavery", Nine Inch Nails
10. "Teenage Enema Nurses in Bondage", Killer Pussy
Ten Things Believed Only By Stoners
1. The Black Crowes' Amorica is just an all-around stellar album.
2. Kyuss was the msot important band of the 90s.
3. Valerie Bertinelli is so hot -- and also so lucky.
4. The Clash should've made even more raggae songs.
5. Hendrix's "If 6 Was 9" is not only awesome, but also so true.
9. Quadrophenia is completely Biblical.
7. The guitars on My Bloody Valentine's Loveless sound like whales having sex - and those whales are totally high.
8. That kids from The Streets is like Dylan or Lennon or something.
6. "The Man" is out to stomp on not only our buzz but also our right to download loosely executed songs featuring hand drums.
10. The Chronic is the best hip hop album of 2002.
Ten Musicians Known For Their Distinctive Headwear
1. LL Cool J (Kangol bucket cap)
2. Devo (red plant pots)
3. Buckethead (KFC bucket)
4. Slash (top hat)
5. Slick Rick (crown)
6. Axl Rose (bandana)
7. Dwight Yoakum (cowboy hat)
8. Phil Collins (comb-over)
9. Eazy-E (Jheri curl)
10. The Edge (hasn't been seen without a hat since 1987) |
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