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Easy life

18:28 / 25.02.03

So I'm watching Angel and I'm thinking, "Is this a piece of piss or what?". Become nocturnal, always wear black, constantly brood about your past and never smile. Walk in a straight line with super strength? I can do that.

Plus, and this is the best bit, you can only have sex if it is wrong, sick and demeaning. I mean, puhleasse.

Feel free to describe your perfect occupation.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

18:33 / 25.02.03

Forensic pathologist. As seen on that classic documentary series, Quincy. Alternately cutting up bodies, being a hero to the city, and sitting on a yacht with a bunch of chicks. If you could do it without the "cutting up bodies" bit, it would just rock.

19:10 / 25.02.03

I'd plump for International Playboy if I could fulfil my duties sitting on my bum.

Matthew Fluxington

19:19 / 25.02.03

I'd like to sit around and GET REAL PAID!

19:30 / 25.02.03

As a youth my ambition was to be a cinema usherette. Lurking anonymously in the dark (being a shy boy) with a torch for those sudden moments of illumination of the hormonally excessive in the back row, lost in the womb of Hollywood fantasy. How hard can it be to show someone to their seat?

Later I decided to become a mafioso but that too came to nought. Ahimè! Perhaps the Family's consigliere, the Robert Duvall job, lurking again in the back of the scene, pretending to be Sicilian, like an éminence grise who knows where the horses' heads are buried. The giving legal assistance bit wouldn't be hard. Phone call to the Judge in the wee small hours with a few well chosen words. Pizza of piss, really.

19:36 / 25.02.03

I still want to be god, but there are very few vacancies for that position these days...

20:53 / 25.02.03

I always wanted to be a writer, but now I want to be a writer with a cult following in Norway.

Go Norway!

Brigade du jour

21:00 / 25.02.03

Running a beach bar in the South of France, which shows movies every week for free, and has cocktail night every night. But beer will be available too.

I'd fall out of bed about 2pm, crawl downstairs, sweep out a few cigarrette butts and broken glass, clean some intact glasses, bottle up and away we go again, with a licence extending no less than four hours after midnight.

It'd be called 'Rick's Cafe Anglais' because the plan is to run this place with my mate whose name is Richard. And it would be so incredibly cool I could make a decent living and probably never want to retire.

21:06 / 25.02.03

Er... snuffling around among stinky old books. Next time I start complaining, someone thump me...

21:12 / 25.02.03

*thump*

You looked like you were about to moan.

Oh no! what have I done! everything I've worked towards gone in a moment of emotion!!! i must seal myself from humanity so it won't be exposed to my barely constrained evil.

piece of piss.

The Return Of Rothkoid

21:24 / 25.02.03

Me? The Tom Waits road to success; do what I want and I'm gonna get paid.

Sounds like a plan. Go on a picnic? Paid. Stay home? Paid.

Sorted.

The Apple-Picker

21:55 / 25.02.03

I could definitely learn to love stalking.

22:10 / 25.02.03

Considering my recent behaviour, I think the best job for me would be the Techno-Geek sidekick for a bad-ass action hero, as used in Tomb Raider, Blade II, and The Punisher, sitting in relative comfort and safety while someone else does all the running around.

HERO: OK, I've just taken out the guards... Now I'm climbing the fence, ack... now I'm pulling pieces of barbed wire out of my flesh...

ME(Watching Powerpuff Girls): Mmhm.

HERO: Someone just shouted 'Forstyrre' ...

ME: Hang on, checking online...it means 'Intruder'.

HERO: Aggh!!

Although I suppose I'll probably be killed to further fuel the hero's righteous vengeance.

22:33 / 25.02.03

I want to be the evil advisor to the good and charismatic king. You know, the real power behind the throne. All I need is someone with a pretty face and without much in between the ears and I'm set.

Well, either that, a Dirk Pitt style adventurer, or a photographer for Playboy.

Maybe a combination of all three. By day, evil advisor, by night heroic adventurer, and on the weekends I'll moonlight as a photographer.

00:15 / 26.02.03

I want to be Marco Polo. Load up my cravan with some goods, head off across Asia, become advisor to the Great Khan, travel around etc. etc.

There's actually a guy right now who just reached the Canadian border on January 1st. He's been walking for 5 years. He plans to walk to England by 2008, crossing over Alaska into Russia.

I want his life, but without the 'walking 30km EVERY DAY bit'. More of a 'spend a year or two in every country along the way', with some regular stopovers in London and Graz.

01:29 / 26.02.03

Though I'm not really sure how much hard work it entails, I think I'd have a lot of fun if I were a voice actor. I could be loathed by anime subtitle fans everywhere, got to cons all the time and sign things for the dub fans, get incredibly famous and use my newfound wealth to revive the Buffy cartoon and play all kinds of monsters. (See Haus' appropriately mournful thread.)

And maybe some day kids all over the world will have backpacks with the characters I play on them.

No, really, a masters in theater and a doctorate in classics will lead directly to this.

Whisky Priestess

07:49 / 26.02.03

Damn it, I was just about to suggest myself as a professional Cartman impressionist. Given that my impression of Cartman is not particularly good, I had better not hold my breath for too long.

Deprived of that ooportunity, I'd love to get paid for what I do best, which would leave me:

1) Sleep researcher
2) A-Team biographer/episode writer/professional fanfiction author
3) Comical lyricist
4) Tester/taster for new and exotic brands of cigarette/whisky
or (a job I gave to the hero of one of my stories)
5) Cocktail designer

Sweeeeeet ...

07:53 / 26.02.03

I want to be the "Go Go Go man" for the police. I've seen it on the Bill and other police shows. All you have to do is turn up at the local nick, find out whatever operation they're working on, then turn up on the day, and when all the teams are in position and there's no feasible way for the crim to escape, shout into the radio "Go! Go! Go! all teams GO!"

That, or a sponge diver.

No star here laces

08:05 / 26.02.03

I could see myself on that "what not to wear" show, the male version. Get just loaded up enough on stimulants and dry manhattans to be really fucking rude to people who're willing to humiliate themselves just to get on tellly. It'd certainly tap the bile. I mean we all do it internally when walking down the street, when in clubs and when meeting our ex's new flames - piece of piss.

08:53 / 26.02.03

President of the USA. Seriously, it's sweet, and if Dubyah can do it anybody can. All you have to do is obey the powers behind the throne..
On second thoughts, rightful King of England- I'd behave so outrageously there would be a revolution. I'm talking Henry the 8th style badass, reform the church, fuck with the government, basically use all those powers the monarchy only keep because they never use them. Get drunk at christmas and give a speech on TV about Porn, invite all the London homeless into Buckingham palace for a sleepover party, declare war on the French/USA for a day, marry a divorcee celebrity actress (maybe Nicole) etc. Sweeeet...
Hang on, isn't there a shit american film about that?

Whisky Priestess

09:14 / 26.02.03

You can't mean King Ralph?

It's got Peter O'Toole in it. It must be good.

10:21 / 26.02.03

Loch keeper-- you get a cottage for free by the loch and just need to open and shut it now and then. In my cottage I’d be a writer, then I could spend my whole day in an imaginary world. Famous but a secret fame, you don’t have your face plastered all over magazines, you’d never be the type of celebrity people would buy shares in in stupid games like ‘Celebdag’.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

20:20 / 27.02.03

Pop psychologist.

11:00 Get out of bed. Shower luxuriantly then put on nice comfy dressing-gown and slippers.
11:30 Mosey on down to huge kitchen for superginourmous champagne brunch, prepared by downtrodden immigrant maid.
11:31 Taunt maid by doing the "I've got your passport and you can't have it!" song, with accompanying dance.
11:35 Start on superginourmous champagne brunch, whilst reading the Daily Mail. Idly make notes on napkin re: current obsessive prejudices of Daily Mail. Destruction of the family... gay mafia... rising tide of Bogus Asylum seekers... Feminists forcing our young men to eat own balls on toast... PC Police... etc etc.
12:35 Construct theory blaming rise in Bogus Asylum Seekers on the PC Police and their overlords, the Gay Mafia, who've been created as emasculating Feminazis destroy the traditional family.
13:00 Go back to bed and chuck champagne bottles at ghostwriter whilst dictating latest book.
14:00 Break for liquid lunch at local watering hole. Come up with title for book: "The Death Of Manhood: A Searing Counterblast!!!"
18:00 More dictation and champers. Grope ghostwriter.
18:30 Dinner. Taunt maid. "I've got your paaaaasport!" etc.
19:00 Dictate column. "Mel C: Is Sumo Spice a Fitting Role Model For Our Daughters?"
22:30 Port'n'Stilton.
23:00 Dictation of book resumed.
23:01 Dictation adjourned; explain to ghostwriter how wife doesn't understand you. Cry. Taunt maid.
23:02 Pass out.

Foust is SO authentic

20:34 / 27.02.03

Truly, madly, deeply hilarious, Mordant.

Brigade du jour

21:14 / 27.02.03

Funny you should mention that, a feminist insisted I eat my own balls on toast the other day. I only asked her for the time.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

21:32 / 27.02.03

Did she at least offer you some ketchup?

Brigade du jour

21:41 / 27.02.03

Not even that. Just some poxy supermarket soy sauce.

15:01 / 07.04.04

Woa how critical do you all wanna be?!

16:13 / 07.04.04

oh yes mordant. pundit all the way. and you can, uh, pundit-ate on any subject you want! rock bands, international politics, etc. or both, combined (how sum 41 reflects the socialist leanings of canada and how that in turn impacts the situation in the middle east!).

Goodness Gracious Meme

00:01 / 08.04.04

well. atm, i get paid for existing. Now if could just get a 3000% pay rise, I'd be dandy...

03:40 / 08.04.04

PORNSTAR!

Meet new and attractive people, then have sex with them and get paid! Can it get any better?

08:46 / 08.04.04

Whisky sed: Sleep researcher

Which reminds me, surely there must be people employed as bed testers? I've often thought that'd be my ideal job.

Bed A had an overall comfort level of A68, but the position of the springs can lead to problems when the user sleeps on their left-hand side with the left arm curled underneath the pillow, bringing it down to a B87.

Bed B offers a greater flexibility in sleeping style than Bed A, but the low headboard can make reading or watching the television a little awkward. A26.

09:35 / 08.04.04

My job right now, which is ending next month or the month after. There are 5 of us here on the company's Island of Misfit Toys and all our duties have been given to our US counterparts. It was fairly easy before, keeping an eye on the network of the company formerly known as DoubleCrossNet, but now it's a lot easier. But less permanent.

Easier than that would be CEO of a US company. Absolute power, tons of cash and groupies and you don't really have to know what goes on--at least that's what they say in court.

15:36 / 08.04.04

...and they never seem to actually do anything. The best job is to be one of those CEOs that gets a new job every six month, resulting in those $50 million plus payoffs everytime you quit!