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Dear Deidre, Am I A Tart?

Hattie's Kitchen

11:44 / 21.02.03

I've gotten myself into a messy situation with an ex of mine, so I will give you a quick summary and then I would appreciate some words of wisdom, or alternatively slaps around the head.

We broke up early last year, because I wasn't ready for anything serious, I was spending too much time at work, and we had very little in common...she was extremely upset at my decision to end things, but we agreed to try and stay friends, but apart from a few phone conversations we saw very little of each other. On the occasions that we did, she tried to rekindle our relationship but I was adamant that it would be a mistake, and so contact was lost for a while...we ran into each other a few weeks ago and chatted for a while, and it was nice to catch up with her - we agreed to meet up for a drink one night, and...well, needless to say I woke up in her bed the next morning.

For me, it was just a one-off, we're both single and neither of us had been with anyone for a while, so I guess you could say it was just for old times sake. She said that it was just a one-off for her as well, but having seen her a couple more times (without anything happening), this week she told me that she still wants us to give it another go...she's phoning up all the time asking when we can see each other, and it's getting to the point where I really don't want to be around her now. I have tried telling her that my feelings haven't changed and that there's no chance of us starting where we left off, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

I would like to stay friends with her but I don't see how it's possible at the moment...

Any thoughts/advice/slap-downs?

12:19 / 21.02.03

first off, you're not a tart, merely human.

as for advice, I don't know. From what you've said I don't think the "friends" route is going to work. Take it from someone who knows: if one half of the party has feelings, they will take pretty much anything in order to hold on to that little bit of sunlight that is hope. I know I'm guilty of that, and it's no fun, for either of you.

Can only suggest you start screening your calls (god how american =P) and belief that, eventually, she will get the message. You haven't mentioned whether you are likely to bump into your ex again socially, so you will have to make the call as to how best to approach that area.

All in all, be distance, but not unfriendly (if at all possible) and avoid drinking alone and drunk usage of your mobile.

Whatever happens you know you have a large shoulder to lean on with us lot.

(you watch all the nasty stuff that's going to appear below me now)

12:22 / 21.02.03

No nasty stuff - I agree with most of what adamswish said but I don't think you should just avoid her. I think you have to have a chat, and explain how things are. It'll be hard but it's a better way to do things.

And then you can start screening your calls.

12:26 / 21.02.03

"It's not you, it's me"?

"I love you; I'm just not in love with you"?

"God, I was soooo drunk last night"?

Ahhh, the old 'uns are the best...

12:29 / 21.02.03

A friend of mine slept with an ex, thought things were back on, and was brought down to earth with a blunt "Oh for god's sake - a shag's a shag".

Honesty is the best policy and all that.

Hattie's Kitchen

12:31 / 21.02.03

Hehehe..

Should explain at this point that we were only going out for a couple of months and at no time has the "L" word ever been mentioned, and we were both up for a slightly drunken one-off shag so we both knew what we were doing. Still mightily tricky though...

12:39 / 21.02.03

I reckon you should say something like:
"It's not really going to work out, is it?"
Thus evincing you don't want it to quite clearly, and leaving her no option to agree without looking staggeringly desperate. And at least this way - when she agrees she'll think it was her decision and that'll make her feel better.

13:58 / 21.02.03

Yeah, just tell her - as nicely as you can - that it was a one off and that's that. Which is easier said than done, if she's all keen and keeps calling. Maybe write her a letter? You can express yourself uninterrupted that way.....

I would ask if the shag was worth it, but that would just flippant....

Hattie's Kitchen

14:14 / 21.02.03

ooh, sfd, trust me, you really don't wanna know!

Cheers lovelies, thanks for the comments, it's helped to clear things in my head a little.

14:23 / 21.02.03

On the other hand, you could always pretend things were back on so you can get more hot action.

Just a thought.

Hattie's Kitchen

14:27 / 21.02.03

Or dress in a giant cock costume, that would put her off.

I should have done this in photo-story stylee, would have been so much better...

ONLY NICE THINGS

14:30 / 21.02.03

Puppies are lovely, friendly creatures. Call one over, with enthusiasm in your voice. Offer it a treat. When it stretches out for it, pull it away, and hit it in the nose. do it again, and again, and again, and again, randomly delivering the treat or the slap. Ypou can really fuck up a puppy like thahahahahah.

Ahahaha.

Aha.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

14:45 / 21.02.03

I think the "talking" rather than the "avoiding", more difficult though it may be, is usually better. But hey! My advice sucks. Take it at your peril.

Good luck with whichever, though.

Tryphena Absent

15:10 / 21.02.03

Avoid first, talk later, it's definitely more sensible to talk but, you know, who really wants to do that!

15:28 / 21.02.03

Anna - isn't it better to get it out of the way?

16:54 / 21.02.03

Alternatively, you could bottle your 'shag me' pheromones and do a swap with Knodger...