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The worst book you have ever read?

 
  

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ONLY NICE THINGS
11:19 / 10.02.03
Last week, while failing utterly to engage brain through exhaustion, I discovered a charity shop purchase - a book called "Deadly Passion", formerly free with More magazine. Advertised as "3 steamy novels in 1", this book makes pioneering strides in shittiness, to such an extent that having finished it I lost the will both to read and ever to indulge in any practice definable as "steamy". Sample, randomly-selected paragraph:

I knew what she meant. Darren wasn't my usual type, but his intangible "something" made me wonder for a second if I had been a little hasty. When I thought about sex, I still thought of Chris. Maybe what I needed was a quick one with someone new, someone diffent, to completely "cleanse" me of him. A sort of sexorcism.

The utterly pointless airquotes around "cleanse". The textbook guide to how not to split the infinitive. The suggestion that most somethings are tangible. and that is a comparatively inoffensive paragraph.

Now, this was free, and really I am not it's target audience, but it did remind me of what I maintain is still the worst book I have ever encountered, H.R. MacGregor's "Schrodinger's Baby". Shut in every possible way. Shitly plotted, shitly arrange, but most of all shitly written. Again, random para:

"Sophie phoned me as she said she would. She was a ssweet as sugar, trying to reassure me and trying to find out why I had left the dungeon. she also let me know that she and Geoffrey knew about my whoring days in Glasgow> Well, I knew they must have done really. I didn't say anything, I just let her talk and she was just reassuring.

and this is supposed to be direct speech. If Mordant Carnival was stressed about dialogue, I sincerely hope that H R MacGregor has used hir own dialogue as an impulsion to throw hirself into doing up the narrowboat ze apparently, according to the "about the author", inhabits. An hour of creosoting is worth perhaps 400 books at this level of shittiness.

so, what's the worst book you've ever come across? With, if possible, examples.
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
13:22 / 10.02.03
About a decade ago some bloke setting up a new book company called something like 'Ripping' or 'Ripping Yarns'. It got the rights to print a load of pulp sci-fi authors from the 40s, like E.E. 'Doc' Smith. But the founder primarily used it as a vanity press for his own godawful science-fiction. From what I remember, this was the typical stuff which was too bad for any respecting publisher to take.

It was the fairly standard alien invasion tosh, and was a half decent idea. From what I remember after the failed attempts to block it out was the dialogue. Very... earthy. Every fucker swore every fucking sentence fucker. Arsing shitting fuck bastard for no bloody reason shitting bollocks. He should have been writing for Vertigo really. And the deathless prose wasn't much better.

So at no point did you actually care for the characters, in fact you'd cheer their rapid annihilation if not for the fact that the alien invaders were shits as well.

Sadly I think I no longer have a copy, but will have a look when I get home. Stephen Palmer was the guys name I think.
 
 
Jack Fear
13:22 / 10.02.03
Philip José Farmer's A Feast Unknown—the infamous pornographic Tarzan/Doc Savage pastiche. An astonishingly unpleasant book, filled with squirmingly unerotic descriptions of sexual torture and mutilation—at one point the narrator tears out a woman's clitoris with his teeth, and later emasculates another man with his bare hands. Oh, and he has an orgasm every time he kills.

Bought it for a dime at a charity sale, read it in one sitting, with slack-jawed amazement, then popped it into the recycling bin immediately afterwards. Put me off Farmer's work forever afterwards (sick fuck that he is), and probably had a lot to do with the hardening of my prejudice against fan-fiction in general and slash in particular.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
13:42 / 10.02.03
Gawd. Feel bile rising.

There's something utterly hateable about Kevin Sampson's Powder: An everyday tale of rock 'n roll folk.

That title might help you understand why. Oh and things like having the liverpudlian main character/lead singer go on about how he hates bands that are into footbal, 'Like the Farm an' that'.

We are meant to chuckle knowingly at this, as KS managed The Farm. And realised that this was the only way his rentaScally
one(s)hitwonders were ever going to be mentioned in a book. Oh and that KS's first book was a not-bad thing called Awaydays, about Tranmere Rovers fans/gangs.

But actually, Haus is responsible for introducing me to the *other* worst book ever, an unpublished opus (called Cosimo, I think?) but I'll let him fill you in on that....
 
 
rizla mission
13:49 / 10.02.03
I read the first one of those 'Ripping Yarns' books too .. 'Minds of Empire' or something?

Seemed to be some rabid armchair RAF fetishist's war fantasy, entirely inspired by Indepence Day, and then, um, Merlin turns up or something and it goes all Ye Olde Mysterious Spirit of Albion and, um, yeah, good lord it was bad..

Jack Fear's post put me in mind of this completely ridiculous book my brother showed me once (he got it on one his regular 2nd hand shop trawls, in which instead of buying books that might possibly be good, he just buys books which look funny - with mixed results). Don't remember who wrote it or what it was called, but it was a prize example of a certain kind of incredibly lurid, bloodthirsty, nihilistic kind of exploitation type pulp book that I imagine came out about the same time as the 70s/80s Stephen King and pals horror paperback boom..

Anyway, it concerned this guy who'd been left to die in the middle of a rainforest by some hitmen hired by his wife. Along the way, he got his genitals bitten off by a crocodile, and he spends the first half of the book running around in an insane rage, plotting (extremely detailed) vengence against the world that robbed him of his manhood.
Then, he discovers a race of gigantic, carnivorous stick insects and trains them to kill, kill, KILL!!, and well, you probably see where this is going..

But suffice to say, as well as being atrociously written, these kind of books come across as completely loathsome hateful and ignorant, yet are also completely lacking in the kind of entertainment value that make the works of, say, Guy N. Smith enjoyable.. quite what anyone sought to gain by reading them is a mystery..
 
 
Our Lady of The Two Towers
16:28 / 10.02.03
Rizla- Yes, those are the ones! God they are awful...
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
17:19 / 10.02.03
In a moment of weakness, I read half an Anne Rice book before giving up. I think my defence is that some friends and I were once at a party discussing bad literature and just out of curiosity I tried her 'work'. Or something.
 
 
arcboi
18:29 / 10.02.03
It would be a toss up between Stephen King and Clive Barker. There's a few lost hours that will never be reclaimed...

Incidently, if anyone can recommend any genuinely well written books in a horror stylee then do let me know.
 
 
The Photographer in Blowup
18:52 / 10.02.03
It would be a toss up between Stephen King and Clive Barker. There's a few lost hours that will never be reclaimed...

Incidently, if anyone can recommend any genuinely well written books in a horror stylee then do let me know.


Arcboi, you're being unfair - i agree King and Barker are not exceptionally good writers, but don't judge the whole horror genre by their writing standars; well, that was the impression i had from reading the second paragraph of your message: that you don't realy think there are real good horror books to recommend.

What about Psycho, The Exorcist, Silence of the Lambs, Frankenstein, and some of the Gothic novels?

The older the horror book is, the best it is too - lots of plot, and no sex and swearing, the two things ruining the genre nowadays.


Anyway, back to topic - the worst book i ever read would be Along Came a Spider, which happens to be a horror/thriller written by James Patterson. 300 pages of the narrator tellings me how smart the villain really is without providing a single spark of that intelligence (like, by the end of the book, when he's about to be gased to death or so, the narrator is still saying he's a smart guy; how smart can he be if he got cuaght and is gonna die?)

Some people just don't understand the Show, don't tell rule
 
 
arcboi
21:07 / 10.02.03
Actually, that was a genuine request re: good books that scare the pants off me in a way that films like Ring and The Long Weekend did.

And now - back to our regular thread......
 
 
bjacques
23:02 / 10.02.03
Try Thomas Ligotti. He has three books of short stories that take days to recover from. Also, The Dark Country, edited by Dennis Etchison.

Bad would be Tom Clancy's "Red Storm Rising" and "Patriot Games," both exercises in cold war nostalgia and bad faith, and apparently the worst except the next ones he did. In both, a crucial security leak comes courtesy of a marginal figure. In the former, an unattractive lesbian whose Soviet handler, though revolted at her touch, does her duty. In Patriot Games, the heroic Prince of Wales almost falls to an Irish bullet thanks to a 50-something black telephone worker who, of course, was a Black Panther in his youth and therefore has a natural affinity with the IRA. I think both pay for their perfidy with their lives.

Jerry Pournelle's CoDominium series, set about 100 years in the future, and well stocked with cardboard environmentalists, Luddites and whiny rich kids protesting against just about everything a right-thinking libertarian (yet overt monarchist) aerospace engineer holds dear. Decent battle scenes, crap politics.

So bad it's good: The Illuminati, by Larry Burkett, a fundamentalist retired aerospace engineer. Also about a group trying to immanentize the Eschaton, but the old fashioned way, by building a huge computer that won't let you buy food without that Mark o' the Beast. the ending confirms more than a few suspicions about how those people *really* feel about Evil Empires.
 
 
Baz Auckland
23:28 / 10.02.03
Tom Clancy's my guilty pleasure. I enjoy the whole 'what if Japan declared war on America in 1993?' garbage. The last one I read involved Hussein getting assasinated, Iran taking over Iraq, but then getting killed when they invade Saudi Arabia. (sigh). The book ends with the Ayatollah getting a precision bomb on his house.

But yes, his politics in the books are disturbing. All liberals are gay or absolute morons, with the Democratic presidents being insane, while the conservative politicians and those who love the CIA are the good guys.
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
23:35 / 10.02.03
Guilty pleasures should probably be a different thread... unless they count as 'joyfully dreadful', but I think there's a difference...
 
 
at the scarwash
00:56 / 11.02.03
Well, of course there are the eighteen metric tons of bad fantasy, much of which was in the grand-old "humorous" fantasy vein that I read when I was twelve or thirteen. But it would be a cheap shot to call out crappy pulp writers; they were giving me what I paid for (thank god never publisher's price). That Hugh Laurie novel I read in a day was pretty bad, if occasionally funny. But I think my hated-writer list is probably headed by Ernest Fucking Hemingway and David Even-More-Fucking Eggers. Hemingway for his crap prose (influential, though, I grant) and stupid ideas of masculinity, and Eggers for being a snide, cute bastard. McSweeny's makes me want to break things.
 
 
Anathema
01:04 / 11.02.03
While the book was well written and I know that plenty of people just loved it and consider it an important milestone of a book... I absolutely HATED "The Dice Man" by Luke Rhinehart. Had to literally force myself through every page. I have never come across a more unlikeable main character in my many years of being a prolific reader. Despite my knowing that it is a work of fiction, I could not suppress the anger that welled up in me every time I opened up the book and made my way through it. I read a lot of true crime and horror... none of the villains I've met in those books come even close to the guy narrating this tale.

The book was recommended to me while I was going through a pretty low point as something that would give me a new perspective and help me breakthrough. It had pretty much the opposite effect. What the book tries to pass off as liberation and personal freedom really just translates for me into a whole lot of misogyny and disregard for other human beings, carried out in the most vile and selfish of ways. If I could erase this book from my brain I would!
 
 
Neville Barker
08:08 / 11.02.03
The Celestine Prophecy.....forget the author's name but I'm sure alot of You know of this book...evidently it was a 'phenomenom' a year or two b4 I tried to read it. Since I have started being more selective with what I read (hey, a bad movie can be a riot to watch and laugh at, but it only takes a 1 1/2-2 hrs . A book however is a considerable amount more in commitment and life percentage wasted).
I read about half of this ridiculous attempt at adventure prose-containing spiritual message a few years ago and couldn't stay the long haul. I felt like the author (James Redfield? If not, no offense Mr. Redfield)was addressing me like he would telling a simplified bedtime story to a simplified child.
 
 
Saveloy
09:20 / 11.02.03
Rizla:
"Anyway, it concerned this guy who'd been left to die in the middle of a rainforest by some hitmen hired by his wife. Along the way, he got his genitals bitten off by a crocodile, and he spends the first half of the book running around in an insane rage, plotting (extremely detailed) vengence against the world that robbed him of his manhood.
Then, he discovers a race of gigantic, carnivorous stick insects and trains them to kill, kill, KILL!!, and well, you probably see where this is going.."


I'll take your word for it that the book is terrible, but that plot summary is fantastic! If you picture everything happening in swift succession like a wee 5 second cartoon, it makes for great brain telly. Perhaps some authors should just specialise in writing paragraph-length stories for publication at the beginning of larger novels (the cartoon before the main feature)?

Getting back to the topic, I don't think I've read anything so awful that I'd feel happy rubbishing it. I gave up on 'Passing for Human' (Jody Scott) after about a chapter, but that was because I found it intensely irritating rather than positively bad.
 
 
deja_vroom
10:08 / 11.02.03
He remembered it one morning when he was out with his instructor,while they rested on the beach after a session of folded-wing snap rolls.
"Where is everybody, Sullivan?" he asked silently, quite at home now with the easy telepathy that these gulls used instead of screes and gracks. "Why aren't there more of us here? Why, where I came from there were.. "

2.13 "... thousands and thousands of gulls. I know. " Sullivan shook his head. "The only answer I can see, Jonathan, is that you are pretty well a one-in-a-million bird. Most of us came along ever so slowly. We went from one world into another that was almost exactly like it, forgettiug right away where we had come from, not caring where we were headed, living for the moment. Do you have any idea how many lives we must have gone through before we even got the first idea that there is more to life than eating, or fighting, or power in the Flock? A thousand lives, Jon, ten thousand!
And then another hundred lives until we began to learn that there is such a thing as perfection, and another hundred again to get the idea that our purpose for living is to find that perfection and show it forth. The same rule holds for us now, of course: we choose our next world through what we learn in this one.


Jonathan Livingstone Seagull is the only book I can remember that I read while thinking: "No, wait, there's still a small chance that this fucking bird gets caught by a learjet turbine, right?" So twee. So... no, twee, really, that's where it stops. Ack.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
10:56 / 11.02.03
Ah, DUUUUUUUUDE, BiP! You said a mouthful with Cosimo. There really is no way to express the joy of this work of art, in which a young model with the world at his feet is decoratively scarred and has to rediscover life with the help of a wise old homeless man, before discovering that his parents were murdered by the Mafia...

I can't put it on my "worst book ever read" list because I have never read it; anything beyond dipping in leads to anal bleeding. I love books, but darn it I love my anus more.

Fortunately, you can get the first 25 pages of this masterpiece free. Just go to Upublish and search for "cosimo", then download the free intro PDF.

Sadly, that does not contain the greatest ever sex scene, which features the phrase "her hips flapped spasmodically". Yes. Like the wings of a scary vulva bat. But our hero clearly has a bit of a thing for hips, as evinced by:

For the next few days he'd been consumed by her big eyes and fierce hips

Aaaargh! Ouchy! Ouchy! Eaty hips NO!
 
 
No star here laces
11:10 / 11.02.03
I can top you all because I have wilfully endured two separate books in Jerry Ahern's "The Survivalist" series. To quote: "Jerry Ahern is one of America's leading authorities on holsters and how to carry concealed weapons. He is the gunleather columnist for Petersen's "Handguns", the author of more than a thousand articles, columns and features in the firearms field, as well as a holster manufacturer and knife designer."

The series concerns the adventures of John Rourke, ex-CIA assassin, who cryogenically freezes himself, his happy nuclear family and his "little jewish friend" Paul Rubenstein. They awake to a post-apocalyptic world where the only human survivors are various groups of Aryan nazis and KGB hit squads living in hollowed-out mountains and the like.

Every sentence contains a detailed list of currently available brand name weaponry. I can't quote directly but it goes along the lines of "John reached back for the chrome-plated enhanced edition Detonics Scoremasters holstered in the cross-rigged CombatHierophant quick-draw harness in the small of his back. He powered forward firing hot leaden death into the massed ranks of black-clad Nazis".

Our hero manages to massacre several hundred persons in every book, and we get to hear exactly which kind of gun he uses in each case. The main villain is a physically disfigured and sadistic KGB colonel which handily allows the author to include scenes in which women get red-hot pokers shoved up their ladyparts to "cleanse the stain left by the american". The author's laughable attempts not to appear racist really require direct quotations, so maybe some other time.

These books are available to borrow upon request...
 
 
The Strobe
11:25 / 11.02.03
Red Storm Rising is dreadful. Clancy did have some bearable moments - The Hunt for Red October and The Cardinal of the Kremlin aren't bad potboiler thrillers, and the latter's a bit underrated in terms of the Clancy oeuvre (it's early, interesting thing about Russian Star Wars, and comparatively short to the later shitboilers).

But RSR is just appalling beyond belief, strung together with little effort at coherency and the Russian-soldiers-raping-Icelandic-girl-who-hooks-up-with-US-soldier sequence is just appalling, trite, and shit.

It's apparently based on a game of Harpoon Clancy was having with a friend. I think it shows.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
12:26 / 11.02.03
I took a look at Cosimo. Luckily, my anus didn't bleed, as I'm at work and that sort of thing has proved to be embarrassing.

Quote:
Fingering his black and swollen scrotum as the pressure in his bladder released, Cosmio tried to think about something else. His stomach growled.

I'm Starving.


Dude, you know it's real writing when you've got countless one sentence paragraphs written in the first person in an otherwise third person story.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
12:27 / 11.02.03
You people have clearly never encountered Wendy Holden.
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
20:41 / 11.02.03
Oh, but I have... the puns! The puns! Make it stop!
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
21:08 / 11.02.03
Tim. Fucking. Willocks. Yes, you might have been shrink to Nick Cave at some time, but that doesn't mean you can or should attempt to write evil, dark novels. Because they're kinda twee. Especially when you're so fixated on prison bitchery. It's just... gah! Fucking terrible.
 
 
ephemerat
01:27 / 12.02.03
'You are a slave,' I said. 'You are owned. You are a female. You will be forced to be a woman. If you were free, and Gorean, you might be permitted by men to remain as you are, but you are neither Gorean nor free. The Gorean man will accept no compromise on your femininity, not from a slave. She will be what he wishes, and that is a woman, fully, and his. If necessary you will be whipped or starved. You may fight your master. He will, if he wishes permit this, to prolong the sport of your conquest, but in the end, it is you who are the slave; it is you who will lose. On Earth you had the society at your back, the result of centuries of feminization; he could not so much as speak harshly to you but you could rush away or summon magistrates; here, however, society is not at your back, but at his; it will abet him in his wishes, for you are only a slave; you will have no one to call, nowhere to run; you will be alone with him, and at his mercy. Further he has not been conditioned with counter-instinctual value sets, programmed with guilt, taught self-hatred; he has been taught pride and has, in the very air he breathes, imbibed the mastery of females. These are different men. They are not Earthlings. They are Goreans. They are strong, and they are hard, and they will conquer you. For a man of Earth, you might never be a woman. For a man of Gor, I assure you, my dear, sooner or later you will be.'

She looked at me with misery.


John Norman (Tribesmen of Gor, 1976) needs no introduction. He needs help.
 
 
ephemerat
01:57 / 12.02.03
If we're going to include the unpublished or the self-published we must mention Jim Theils' near legendary work: The Eye of Argon.

Sample text:
`Glancing upward, the alluring complexion noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached. A faint glimmer sparked from the pair of deep blue ovals of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her. The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side, exposing his body, naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword ...'

Dave Langford did a far better job of poking fun at this particular bit of literary excrement than I could manage in one of his SFX columns. Plus a simple Googling of the title will produce vast amounts of mirth and criticism dating back years.
 
 
De Selby
08:29 / 12.02.03
Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton.

One of the only movie adaptions where although it was utter fucking shite, it was still FAR better than the book.
 
 
Axel Lambert
09:18 / 12.02.03
Another example of exactly that would be Hannibal . I hated that book.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
10:46 / 12.02.03
A friend of mine has a taste for Louise Bagshaw's novels, which are quite, quite horrific and may well put you off sex, particularly the heterosexual, vanilla variety, for life. However, one particularly bad scene has led a group of us to start saying "JesusJesusJesus - all one word" as an exclamation... Bagshaw's books are inevitably about the good girl, the bad but sexy girl, the good guy, and the bad but sexy guy, all working in the same business and taking it in turns to shag. Her books are called things like The Movie and When She Was Bad, in fact I think she may have written more than one book with that title. It's all utterly abominable trash, degrading to men and women beyond the point of forgiveness...

...But it's still less painful to read than The Illuminatus! Trilogy.
 
 
The Strobe
11:11 / 12.02.03
Jurassic Park is one of Crichton's better books.

Airframe. That's a stinker. Skimread it in Tesco's whilst Mum shopped. It's just dreadful.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
12:03 / 12.02.03
...But it's still less painful to read than The Illuminatus! Trilogy.

A-fuckin'-men.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
13:14 / 12.02.03
God. I've read things along the lines of what Byron's describing, with the slow-motion-drooling over double-action, fast-locking, auto-reloading penis substitutes. but can't remember a specific one offhand....

I've read *most* of Cosimo, and I insist on its inclusion. Check out the back blurb:

Young and beautiful, Cosimo is living the highlife on the catwalks of Milan. Suddenly, after an argument with a wealthy Italian, he is beaten up and left for dead.

Rejected by the world of fashion Cosimo meets Jacques Artaud, a homeless philosopher, who teaches him lessons he will never forget. But just as his prospects improve, Cosimo discovers the violent truth behind his lonely childhood. Now he must use all he has learned to fight for his life in a world governed by corruption and the Mafia


'Jacques Artaud, a homeless philosopher'. Beat that. or this:

Cosimo cast a supercilious gaze upon the gathered masses.

This is as stupid as it fucking gets.
There were over a thousand. They loved him. They loved it: the invitation, the clothes, the buttocks and the drinks.


As far as I know, you cast a gaze 'over', not 'upon'. and don't get me started on the buttocks. ?!?!??

Oh, and Haus, it's not just a girl thang:

His hips moved easily, without swaggering, and from his perch he saw the first rows of rapt spectators.

What a bunch of dicks.


Feeling a bit nauseous now.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
13:54 / 12.02.03
oh, god, and 'rat reminds me, though I can't find anything specific atm that I've read, how much terrible 'erotica' there is out there. especially if you're looking for BDSM-centred stuff. will be back.
 
 
Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo
15:30 / 12.02.03
To be honest, I think I would rather be shot in the face at point blank range than have to read the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever by Stephen Donaldson again. When I read a lot of fantasy, I was told they were great...and as I suffered through them, my friends kept saying, "Oh, they get so much better, trust me."

They didn't. They were a mess of constant page filler and incessant bellyaching taking the place of characterization. Then the second trilogy came out and again, friends said, "These three are ever better, they really are great."

I didn't read them, and quit talking to those friends.
 
  

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