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My Friend's Girlfriend is My Enemy

Whisky Priestess

13:57 / 20.01.03

Gentle Barbelith,

Last saturday night it was my good friend Dave*'s birthday: I went along and we all went to dinner then back to Dave*'s house, which was nice. Later on our friend Adrian* joined us, bringing along his new girlfriend of about a week, Bitch*.

Bitch, despite being welcomed with politeness and interest, even enthusiasm (Adrian has not always been lucky in his choice of girlfriends and we all want to see him with someone who's right) proceeded to act as though the evening, instead of being Dave's birthday, was in fact a paying show at which she was the star attraction and was determined to give us our money's worth. She flirted with every man in the room except her boyfriend and mine, had a go at my boyfriend for not taking his tie off ("uptight") sang horribly and loudly, became drunk and even more offensive adn just generally set my fucking teeth on edge.

For Adrian's sake, I restrained myself and wasn't even rude back to her (plus I was a lot soberer), but now I'm kind of wishing I had been, just to clear the air and make it explicit that I never intend to share a room with her again. I really like Adrian and we have a lot of friends in common, but if he drags Bitch along to every meeting what on earth am I supposed to do?

*Not their real names. Well, not all of them.

14:13 / 20.01.03

Tricky one.

Bitch may have been a bit nervous, drank too much, then got carried away. (Flirting with the boys, though. "Ooh, love me, love me, I'm a free spirit." Yeah, whatever.)

There's a similar situation going on round my way. Letting your friend know you don't like the girlfriend will probably force him to carry on as a matter of principle, or make the whole thing seem even naughtier and romantic. I'd let it lie for as long as you can. He'll notice how crap she is soon enough. And if he doesn't, well, as long as he's happy, leave him be.

The Apple-Picker

14:24 / 20.01.03

Well, you met her this once. She was drunk. And on top of that, she may well have been very nervous. Your group hasn't much liked Adrian's girlfriends (is there a chance he might have told her this?), which would have made her extra nervous. Even if she didn't know, though, it can be incredibly terrifying to meet your boyfriend's friends. Maybe she was trying to impress you and thought she was being friendly and fun and charasmatic instead of rude and obnoxious.

Not at all an accusation, but: could you be prejudiced against any new girlfriend of Adrian's because of his past flubs?

Maybe she really is an obnoxious twerp, but just as likely, she might deserve a second chance.

14:31 / 20.01.03

He'll notice how crap she is soon enough

Whilst I'm inclined to agree with you Ignatius_J - I know from bitter experience that this is not always the case. I tried this tack with my brother's girlfriend to no avail for three years, and it was only when his mate said "fucking hell she's weird" or some such that he listened. I don't not like her cos she's my brother's girlfiend, but just cos she's odd (-long story) but I too thought I'd hurt his feelings - and hers - by voicing my opinion; afterall whats it got to do with me right?

Therefore, I suggest Whisky Priestess, how about this? - Whenever you're speaking to your mate Adrian nothisrealname why not just plant seeds of dissatisfaction so that he can come to this decision quicker. EG [as an aside] "cor your girl's very confidant - I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable saying something like that in a room full of people I don't know".

It is tricky, granted - but if you *reeally* don't like her and think she is genuinely wrong for your friend - play on his own reservations to facilitate their end.

But as Apple Picker suggests - it's probably prudent to give her a chance before you start plotting her downfall!!

The Natural Way

14:42 / 20.01.03

Yeah, when I originally met Pranny's* last GF I assumed she was a right Prannice - she certainly acted like one - but she turned out alright in the end. When she wasn't hideously pissed and desperate to prove how incredibly hard and self-assured she was.

*Pranny being my twin bro.

Goodness Gracious Meme

14:56 / 20.01.03

Have to say I agree with most people here, it's very possible she was nervous as hell, and even if people are welcoming, that kind of nerves make people overact/overdo. Especially if really pissed...

Why not try meeting up with them, and only a couple of people, sober, and see if she's any different before worrying about how to tell your mate that you hate his gf. She might well be fine and then you don't have to do the 'well, I hate her, don't bring her to things' conversation.

15:01 / 20.01.03

I'm feeling very laid back this afternoon, so I'd say, in Bitch's defence: a g/f I had a few years back used her birthday party to introduce me to her friends and family. I was nervous, wanted to make a good impression, and so drank an entire bottle of vodka. So most of her mates were introduced to an unconscious woman who doesn't remember the event at all.

You can't interfere, Whiskey, I know it's hard. Unless a partner is being abusive in some way, then you have to let it go and just be there to pick up the pieces if or when it all goes wrong. Although, of course, if you gave Bitch a second chance and she acted in the exact same way, you might have to calmly explain to Adrian why you wouldn't be inviting her to any more gatherings.

Scrambled Password Bogus Email

15:06 / 20.01.03

Nonsense. How can you all be so reasonable?

Next time Bitch gets drunk and leery, slip her a mickey...Rohypnol should do the trick.

Then violate said Bitch Seven Ways from Sunday with a variety of innapropriate implements.

That'll learn her.

15:13 / 20.01.03

Everyone is being very forgiving about this, aren't they? Must be something in the water.

Whisky Priestess

15:13 / 20.01.03

Thanks all - I am trying very hard to put a lot of her obnoxiousness down to her being pissed, but I think she started off reasonably sober ... well, anyway, if I do ever see her again (which will be too soon) I'll try to exercise restraint and look on her with new eyes.

In terms of the impression I've managed to give of the others at the party as being a tight-knit Friends-style group who automatically reject outsiders, that's not it at all - in fact Adrian's last girlfriend was one of my best friends and (naturally) I had nothing against her - they just were not good together. The one before that I rather liked but she dumped him unceremoniously - hence "not lucky" in his choice, rather than simply that "we" don't like them.

In mitigation of our reaction to her: my boyfriend is a relatively new addition and none of my friends (including those present that night) have hated him on sight - in fact most have gone out of their way to say how much they liked him. But that could be because he's pleasant, entertaining and polite, even when drunk ...

Whisky Priestess

15:24 / 20.01.03

Thanks, Mu, you've got the right idea, but as for violating her: really, not with someone else's bargepole.

15:33 / 20.01.03

Just try not to avoid Adrian on account of Ms. Bitch- if his friends make themselves scarce, he might cling to her Bitchiness out of loneliness.

16:43 / 20.01.03

give her the benefit of the doubt, be respectful of his feelings - but dont do so at your expense. you have as much right to respect and courtesy as she - or anyone else - does. biting your tongue for a bit might be the best policy at first, and you certainly shouldnt talk outright shit about her to her boy. but maybe next time, if shes still out of control, you might want to give her some firm words. if you think you dont even want to be near her again, maybe you should have a talk with just him

I had a boy that two of my friends hated instantly - they werent nasty about it, didnt name call or criticize, just told me they didnt like him and didnt want him back. I, in turn, understood - and hell, it turns out he was truly a jackass, I just needed my own time to figure it out

Whisky Priestess

15:38 / 21.01.03

That's pretty much my attitude - I've put it down to "personality clash" (i.e. she instantly hated my guts and made it quite clear, and I'm returning the favour) and said that I'm happy to see Adrian on his own but I don't think Bitch and I together in a confined space would be a good idea. "Two cats in a bag" was the phrase I used to describe the animal world social equivalent to Dave.

Basically, I'm not having her under my roof.

Regrettable Juvenilia

16:44 / 21.01.03

That's a shame, she sounds just my type.

Baddump-tishk!

16:47 / 21.01.03

Purely for the purposes of balance, a number of points have to be made.

1. WP was genuinely upset and offended and I'm not belittling this, but...

2. There were only six people present: Dave*, Dave's Flatmate*, WP*, WP's altarboy*, Adrian* and the Bitch*. Therefore if the Bitch flirts with everyone but her boyfriend, WP and the altarboy, that's only a target audience of two, of which one is the most shameless flirt this side of the Reiperbahn.

3. The standard method of expressing affection within this tight-knit circle that the Bitch was thrust into is coming up with the most inventive insults and put downs that we can. Anyone trying to fit in might well decide to emulate this even if it is unusual to talk to someone that way when you've only just met them.

4. Two cats in a bag isn't much fun for the cats but it's a hall of a lot more scary for the poor sucker holding the bag.

Mummy and Daddy are fighting and it's cold up here in the attic.

Whisky Priestess

15:02 / 22.01.03

Back in your box, boy! You don't seem to realise that I am describing a purely hypothetical situation which just happens to exactly resemble the actual situation you describe above. This is sheer coincidence and none of it ever really happened.

I hope Adrian* doesn't read this ...

15:09 / 22.01.03

Pssst - if I know this Adrian* of whom you speak (am I correct?) I doubt very much that he will...

Whisky Priestess

17:05 / 22.01.03

You do, and I doubt it too. Actually I wouldn't have posted any of this if I thought there was a chance of him coming across it. Or I would at least have used names* that were slightly less similar to their real ones ...

17:24 / 22.01.03

Thought so (thinks: oh dear)... well, I've had some excellent evenings with Adrian* but I must say that if Orr is correct about point 3 then I do have some understanding of it - the only way I can keep up is by being as directly rude to people as possible and relying on the fact that I can't keep a straight face to see me through. So maybe her behaviour is separate from the fact that you just don't like each other? Still tricky, of course, but he's not totally unreasonable (all of the time) and he's probably been in similar situations himself.

17:26 / 22.01.03

Not trying to excuse her behaviour, by the way - it does sound obnoxious.

23:06 / 22.01.03

Can't say any first impression I've had has ever been wrong. I would try to schedule events with A. that B. would be unable or unwillig to attend. Seems your friend has struck lead again. Some people are unlucky that way.