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I'm in Australia. I have a British girlfriend and I now have *counts* 13 days to go until I move to England to live with her. She regularly sends me videotapes of stuff from your television to watch so that I can keep up with what's happening between my (usually) annual visits. I was there for the first 6 weeks of Big Brother this year, for instance, and she sent me the rest of the series to watch on tape. She's a big S'Tenders fan so I have to keep abreast of the latest developments. Largely it's stuff that she thinks will amuse me, like the final few episodes of things like Pop Stars - The Rivals. I've just watched the "Who Will Get The Christmas No. 1" episode and I've not laughed so much in ages. I'm pretty stressed at the moment, what with the impending move 'n all y'see. Anyhoo, I got a bit drunk and a bit stoned and wrote the following waffle which I decided to share with you lot as well because, well, I'm D&S. What more reson could I possibly need. I got up and typed a bit more each ad break which might explain a few things to know up front...
I've just had an epiphany.
I'm just watching the Pop Stars - The Rivals, Who Got The Christmas No. 1 show, and I suddenly realised what KLF was REALLY about.
Your media is obviously controlled by a lot of old farts. There is something very Pan's People about this whole Pop Stars thing in the UK. Lots of your television is very much in the same vein really. It's kinda B-grade and cheesy. Actually so are the radio and newspapers for that matter. OK, it's all done a bit tongue in cheek but so was Morcombe and Wise. Luckily I happen to love that sort of thing.
The Pop Stars girls are asounding though. They're all nice and white and shiny and squeaky clean, they could'nt offend the most prim and proper granny in the Kingdom. The boys are much the same but quite a bit less white. Both bands look like they should belong to a Christian Fellowship club. I find myself aching to spot a subversive undertone, designed to amuse the genuinely young or enlightened but there is no such thing to find. It really IS as nice as it all seems.
And then...
Oh My GOD! The pregnant one!! WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I can understand the drama and public interest in the sub-plot of an attractive young darkish pregnant woman with a reasonably good voice and very large breasts being a contender for the TV girl band. I see this just fine. But did she REALLY have to release "When a Child is Born"???????????????????? Jesus wept.
Sorry, that really got to me.
Anyway, the point of this babbling and its title is, on watching so much of your TV lately I can now understand just what the KLF were so pissed off about! They would never have happened in Australia, nobody gives much of a shit about anything here. Our version of Pop Stars was watched exclusively by 12 year old girls. That's it. We do not have white haired geriatrics hosting our Top of The Pops type shows (we have a nearly geriatric bald guy in a hat instead), we don't have people like Jade or Brian Dowling on our Big Brother shows (we had an ugly hippy and a boring farm boy instead), we certainly do not have gay late night talk show hosts rehashing old Benny Hill routines (we have, um, well we don't have anyone really). England NEEDS some shaking up and, luckily for us watchers of England, it gets it.
You have the scary shows too, like that paedophile thing last year, whatever it was called. But best of all you have people who strive to piss everyone off for the simple reason of reminding everyone that they need to get a grip on reality. We'll win your awards but we'll scare shit out of you with guns and dump a slaughtered animal on your doorstep to show how much respect we have for your opinion. Stuff like that.
God I'm looking forward to living in an actual, bona-fidey Kingdom! |
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Many smileys I give.