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Dear Mr. John Cochran:
It has recently come to my attention that you and your company, MBNA, has recently sent to Vixen R---, of the above address, an application for the “MBNA Platinum Plus MasterCard for Engineers” (italics yours) featuring a low 2.9% introductory APR, no annual fee, and a credit line up to $100,000 as well as other sundry features I am sure you are no doubt aware of, being the President of your bank and all. On behalf of Vixen, I would like to thank you for sending her this credit card application, and I would like to apologize for her inability to respond personally as she is a dog and therefore unable to read, write and type.
In looking over the credit card application, we do have a few questions about it. The application asks for personal information with spaces for one’s Social Security Number, Occupation, Signature, and Mother’s Maiden name. For Vixen, should we place her dog license number in the SSI section? For Occupation, would “pet” suffice or would you prefer the more exact “dog” or “Airedale terrier?” Would Vixen’s paw print be acceptable for the Signature section, or should we place a pen in her paw and make her write out “Vixen R---?” I should note here that while “Vixen R---” is her familiar name, it is not the name she has register with the American Kennel Club, which is “Vixen Valentine of the Royal Glen.” Will you need to correct this before filing the application? There is also the question of Vixen’s mother’s maiden name. Should we put down her mother’s familiar name or her AKC name?
There are also questions of why Vixen was sent this application. It is my understanding that it is very difficult for dogs to achieve good credit ratings, having no real income so it is very courageous of you, Mr. Cochran, to offer to Vixen a MasterCard with your bank, but I wonder, why did you offer Vixen a MasterCard for Engineers? Surely you know that dogs cannot read nor write, making it very difficult for them to obtain positions in the engineering field. Mayhap you know something about Vixen that those in this household do not know. Mr. Cochran, do you know if Vixen moonlights as an engineer somewhere? If this is the case, please let us know, as we are unaware of her employment, and would need the number and location of her workplace in case of an emergency.
In addition to the question of her employment, we are also curious on how to obtain a credit record for Vixen, since she does not have a SSI. Perhaps you could direct us to a friendly credit record service that would accommodate our research into Vixen’s records.
There are also questions of why Vixen is being offered a credit card whose rates and features are superior to some of the credit cards being offered to the human residents of this household, which some of us find atypical, ironic and slightly insulting. I am sure, however, that there are very good reasons for this and that a fine American institution like MBNA would not err in such an important manner as credit card applications seeing as how you perform exacting background checks upon those you send applications to.
Thank you very much Mr. Cochran for giving Vixen an opportunity to establish her credit and I look forward to hearing from your regarding the questions we had about the application. Please send any further correspondence care of myself.
Sincerely-
-Jesse |
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