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Kind of odd medical afternoon...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

18:11 / 13.01.03

Far too much detail alert.
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Whoah. Mental.
I just had to go for a check for bowel cancer. That's so not fun. And then, having steeled myself for this one, and to be worried while awaiting results, get told I have to go back soon (whenever they can get an appointment) for a deeper and more mechanical one! Bloody hell! Not sure if it's all worth it, truth be told.

Anyway, funny story, which was the reason for posting this at all. It took me ages to get to the hospital, and when I got there, I was absolutely busting for a piss. And a cigarette. So I went for a piss, had a smoke, then checked in just bang on time for my appointment.

Then, within two minutes of me sitting down, they call me. And ask for a urine sample. "Ummm..." I said, "that could be problematic. I just went for a piss." So they give me the bottle. Ten minutes later, I emerge, saying "look, it's just not gonna happen." So they give me a whole bunch of water to drink. Fair enough.

Except that, 20 minutes and about a litre of water later, I get called up. "Um... I haven't given a urine sample yet", I protest.

"Not to worry... it's not really that important" comes the reply.

THEN I wait for ten minutes to be called to see the actual doctor. By the time she's ready to see me, I'm busting for a piss, and have to have hand-and-tubes-up-butt-age while being really desperate for the loo.

Ho hum, such is life.

Now I've seen it written down, it seems a hell of a lot less funny. My attempt at humour with the doctor- "Whoah, is this gonna be like being abducted by aliens? Only without the cool lights?" fell somewhat flat as well.

Bah. Now I have to go for scarier tests. Not good.

18:18 / 13.01.03

Sorry, Stoatie. Beyond that, I know not what to say. PM me if you need to, y'hear?

18:38 / 13.01.03

I'd have pissed on the examining table under the circumstances, Chairman M. That you were cracking jokes rather than growling at her is remarkable. Or perhaps she was very self-conscious about being a small skinny grey woman with an enormous head.

Good luck with the unpleasant business ahead. At least you'll be better prepared for the next one, since they forgot to supply pertinent information this time to help you through it.

09:33 / 14.01.03

Sorry, Stoatie. And good luck - really hope all the tests come back clear.

09:51 / 14.01.03

Weird there's a chance someone in my family might have bowel cancer which is really fucking scary since he's only 21.

Hope everything comes back ok Chairman.

Vibes ahoy.

09:57 / 14.01.03

Yeah, Chairman. Hope everything's okay.

09:57 / 14.01.03

Fricking heck. I'd don't think I could steel myself for that kind of examination...good luck.

10:24 / 14.01.03

Stoatie - hope you're well mate -send me a PM (lost me phone) if you fancy a pint and a chinwag.

ONLY NICE THINGS

10:33 / 14.01.03

Likewise.

Doctors never have much of a sense of humour in these situations, which is a shame. I remember when I was having my scrotum ultrasounded (covered in Swarfega and rubbed with something that looks disconcertingly like an epilady...all very strange), I peered over at screen and asked if it was a boy or a girl. Nothing. Not a flicker of a smile.

I suppose you don't see people at their best in these jobs.

Good luck, Stoats. Hope all is well...

Goodness Gracious Meme

10:45 / 14.01.03

Oof hon. Well done you for attempting humour, anyway.

I've never found doctors to be especially up for it... Remember incredibly nervously making 'Alien' jokes when having a slightly worrying smear test.

Smile? Hah.

Take care honey, hope things work out.

12:39 / 14.01.03

Ditto with the rest, and hope all is well.

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:27 / 14.01.03

Ye gods. Again, hope all is well, can't think fo much else to say, repeating offer of drinks etc if need be need be.

14:47 / 14.01.03

Damn! Good luck hon! Much love and good healing vibes coming your way.

Surely Dr. training should have a On-the-Job Humour 101 course down as mandatory!

14:48 / 14.01.03

and more of the same here. its a default setting.

15:22 / 14.01.03

Eek, hope everything's okay, Stoatie. Big badgery hugs to you.

I must have been lucky with my doctors and nurses, they've always been pretty keen to have a laugh at my ailments, and been petty cheerful generally. I've only had one miserable git who said "let's have a look at your 'scrotum' then, shall we?" in a sarcastic, public-school teacher sort of way. I think he wanted to convey the fact that he wasn't going to be impressed just because I'd used the proper term myself rather than 'chuffy-satchel' or something. You know the sort of thing: "Matron, come and have a look at this; Mr Saveloy here has a scrotum."

15:41 / 14.01.03

Thinking of you, mate, not good but at least they're being thorough.

Hattie's Kitchen

20:51 / 14.01.03

Aargh, I'm feeling that, Stoatie...hugs...will see you soon...PM me if you feel like.

The Return Of Rothkoid

21:21 / 14.01.03

Ack. Hugs for you. Doesn't sound like fun at all, so I hope you get the Spotless Badger Certificate soon.

23:51 / 14.01.03

Hugs, Stoatie. I do know that you can ask - or even demand - that the second test be done under anaesthetic, even on the NHS. Worth knowing, if it's worrying you.

10:14 / 15.01.03

Ye gods. Again, hope all is well, can't think fo much else to say

ditto.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:18 / 15.01.03

Hey, cheers everyone. I'm sure it'll all be fine, therefore I'm not worrying until all the tests are done and it's the day before I get the results. It's mostly a statistical thing- my dad was diagnosed with it at 37, therefore I should get myself checked out before I'm 32. I've had some symptoms, without going into icky detail, but I've always (and continue to) put them down to excessive drinking.

But yeah. Thanks for your support (I shall wear it always).

Next time, though, they'd better have some cool fucking lights. Or I'm clenching and going home.

19:28 / 15.01.03

Will they strap you down to the gyroscopic table?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:29 / 15.01.03

They'll fucking have to!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:04 / 16.01.03

GodDAMN! These bastards keep sorting shit out faster than I want them to. I've just got a letter giving me my appointment time for next month, a list of what to do (and eat! Fuck, I never know what I'm going to eat until it's within seconds of being eaten! I don't... repeat DO NOT... do "planning ahead"!) for the several days PRECEDING it, and a bottle of stuff I'm supposed to drink the day before. There was me thinking that with the state of the NHS, I'd have a good few months to forget about this. But no.

Damn their efficiency!

Despite my previous bravado, I'm now a little shaken. But hey! I've got a short attention span.

10:40 / 16.01.03

On the plus side, you'll have all this sorted out sooner and be able to move on. Which is good, right?

15:04 / 16.01.03

Ooo! The stuff you have to drink, is it radioactive?

(for them what might think I'm being sarcastic, I'm not. they actually do this - it lights up your insides for the scanners. very techno-rave.)

Sounds like they're taking good care with you - crossing all the t's and that. So even at worst, they can fix you before you even knew there anything wrong.

15:17 / 16.01.03

Plus, you get to try out all this anal-probing without having to buy anyone dinner or pay them into a nightclub. Every cloud and all that.

09:28 / 17.01.03

All the best for your colonoscopy, Stoatie.

If the liquid they've given you to drink for the clear out is one that keeps your electrolytes in balance you'll feel fine.

10:38 / 17.01.03

you get to try out all this anal-probing without having to buy anyone dinner or pay them into a nightclub

Last time I had nurses ramming things up me (heroin-type things no less) I really, really tried to enjoy it, thinking to my little self, 'Some men pay good money for this sort of thing'. But it was horrid nonetheless. Ho hum.

10:53 / 17.01.03

Grant: it's radio-opaque, innit?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

11:07 / 17.01.03

I think (having had something similar when I was young- for a different complaint. I've never claimed to be the healthiest man in the world) radio-opaque is probably the correct description. I watched, on an x-ray, a large balloon-like shape being filled with whiteness.

I think it's more fibre-optics or something that goes with a colonoscopy, isn't it?

I dunno. I plan to ask for a general anaesthetic and be blissfully unaware throughout. In fact, JUST like alien abduction.

Constitution Hill

12:51 / 17.01.03

I watched, on an x-ray, a large balloon-like shape being filled with whiteness.

Was it a sausage dog balloon? Or a float-away-in-the-sky balloon?

13:35 / 17.01.03

Radio-opaque... yes. Maybe I was confusing the scans with the radioactive dye. Anyway, it glows on the screen.

A colonoscopy involves a scope, yes. Unless it's a virtual colonoscopy.

I was also thinking of the barium treatment, which involves a scanner mounted over a gyroscopic table, which is hooked up to a joystick so the radiologist can steer the stuff up through the intestines by moving the person around.

This kind of thing, in case you were wondering, is a frequent topic of discussion here at work. It's a much more common procedure than you might expect. And if you're worried about the procedure, this might help put your mind at ease.