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Don't Just Say Good Bye..........

19:57 / 01.01.03

Half an hour ago, I was dreaming about big amazon crocodiles and scary ghosts. Then I wake up out of fear and went to pee......then mt mind start to wonder........until I wonder about May. May just told me in the day time that she'll be going back to Malaysia in the chinese new year. It suddenly occurred to me that this time she might never return for good. I first met May 24th Feb 2001. It's been 2 years...........
Damn! Haven't even find myself a substitute for May. And there's still no hint that Susan will reappear again after disappearing for 1 year......How am I suppose to find me a substistue within this 1 month?! Must I really join back my church friends? Haven't seen the lot of them for 1 year.

Is it when 2 person hand-in-hand walking the path of life when walking to the extreme will come to a fork in their path? Can't really remember what I did last chinese new year........Do I have to join back the Social Development Unit?

If I have joined May in the smoking of Heroine and ended up in jail, would she have reamined with me longer? Or if I have offered to buy the S$5000 share in her fish fries rearing business, would she stayed? Baby, don't go, don't go, how can I still wake up tomorrow? I feel so sad, that I can't hurt anymore......(these 2 sentences are supposed to be a song running in my head just now) What am I gonna do with a life without May? Seems like I'm always running round in circles in my mind........

20:11 / 01.01.03

Look , how could I keep on experimenting with life like that? I don't want to experiment no more.........at least give me some toy to occupy my time with, give me a colt gun, just anything to remember this chinese new year........

20:16 / 01.01.03

Sorry to put the cat among the pigeons Charles, but if you had offered to buy the S$5000 share in her fish fries rearing business, who's to say she would have taken it?

20:21 / 01.01.03

I have actually lend out S$1000 to Susan before......and she apppear to have stay in touch with me for another three-quarter of a year more. But I say 'appeared'......

20:23 / 01.01.03

Well, there you go.

20:28 / 01.01.03

Even a 10 year marriage of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman can end up in a divorce................what the hell is going on.............

20:31 / 01.01.03

And Tom Cruise words to the media of his breakup is "Only Nicole knows why......." LOok, but tis not the case with me. I have spoken to May and I don't mind repeating what I said to her over the phone the very first time till the last time. Unless she's grown bored with what I said over the phone.............

21:22 / 01.01.03

Hey CD.... Don't worry too much about your "substitutes". Everyone is an island. Two islands in harmony is fantastic, with many bridges etc.... but people all must be happy on their own first - before taking on the whole thing with other people. Don't resort to your church friends if you don't like them.... don't resort to anyone. Be happy with and for yourself, and then any relationships you have won't be a substitute for anything else, but an end in itself. This is much better.
Strange stuff with May, but hey... life is what you make it. Make yours good.

19:08 / 06.01.03

I last called May on January 4th, 2003 at 10:55 am. Spoeken to her for 3 minutes and hung up. I asked her to find Susam with me and I also asked for her address in Malaysia. She said Susan could not be found and it's not necessary to for me to know her address as she'll only be away a few days for the chinese new year.

It's been 2 days now that I have not called May. A helpline councillor asked me to wait till 1 week or even after the ninth day of the lunar month before I call May again. (Chinese New Year is on February 1st, the first day of the lunar month) I'll be seeing my psychiatrist on 9th January. THis time I have to tell him about May and ask for stronger dose of sleeping pills. And must I keep on whining and moaning every half hour during my sleep? Another councillor has asked me if I could remember what I did and how I felt that last time I was feeling good? And I think I could. I would hum a tune, laugh when I recalled past jokes, and danced like a zombie in my bedroom. Phew! It's a good thing I could still find this thread........If all barbeloids have posted, I don't think I would still be able to find this thread. Thanks.

20:04 / 07.01.03

Thanks, Jub for telling me life is what I make of it.H.I.R, do put more cats among the pigeons, I do appreciate it.

After listening to a helpline councillor to make full use of the time with May before she leave, I called her on January 7 at 11:30 pm but she didn't answer. I might called her again tonite. Hope I have better luck

00:38 / 08.01.03

Then again, after speaking to Nicole, a helpline councillor, I think that I'll try not to call May. Coz Nicole told me even lovers need a holiday. If I have to call May, I guess I'll call her on Sunday.

07:18 / 08.01.03

I reckon that would be the cheifest wisdom CD.