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Gift Ideas for The Aspiring Serial Killer.

17:33 / 23.12.02

We all know how hard it can be to find that perfect bonesaw, filleting blade or silenced fire-arm... and at this time of year, it's just a logistical nightmare.

The night before Christmas Eve... One more day of shopping - Lend a hand, Barbelith!

Personally, may I recommend a cyanoacrylate adhesive, such as superglue, to mask your prints. Once you've bagged your game, keep the hands in the freezer. As Nelson once said, "It always pays to have a second set of prints on a gun."

A good pair of safety glasses will also protect your eyes from bone fragments, or dropping eyelashes into wet paint on crossbow bolts. Learn from the mistakes of others.

18:00 / 23.12.02

oh... and Merry Christmas Chucky!

Less searchable M0rd4nt

21:13 / 23.12.02

You can never have enough duct tape.

The Return Of Rothkoid

22:11 / 23.12.02

Or razor strops.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

00:38 / 24.12.02

A big family-sized tub of washing up liquid. You can't be too careful.

A portable power supply- or at least a long extension cord- you can't chase people with electric power tools if you're stuck to the wall.

01:18 / 24.12.02

1. Someone to take the fall for me.
2. A shrink who'll convince them i'm crazy.
3. Pictures of the jurors' children with crosshairs drawn through them to give out before trial.
4. A puppy. "Take one step closer and I'll kill... this puppy!"...and then I make my escape.
5. The karma of a 4 year old.
6. All the 'Get Out Of Jail" cards Parker Brothers ever printed.

02:39 / 24.12.02

A talking dog

09:56 / 24.12.02

A large collection of China Doll's...that whisper in your ear while you sleep.

And tupperware, you can never have enough tupperware (what is the largest sized box they make?)

11:43 / 24.12.02

invisable al:
...what is the largest sized box they make?

If you use "Rubbermaid" instead of "Tupperware", they make one big enough to fit two bodies in, if you decapitate them first.

Tupperware is great for liver and fava beans though.

14:11 / 24.12.02

Look, even if I want someone dead, first I'll just do something nasty do him first. Like shoot a bullet into his kneecap and make him a cripple and remember me for life. It's hell of a job disposing a body. I might forget to close back the doors after dragging in the body.

15:35 / 24.12.02

Just remember to let the body sit for a while before you dismember, a fresh artery will gush.

It's a good thing.

15:42 / 24.12.02

Obligatory state-of-the-art Smeg fridge for the storage of body parts.

Large Le Creuset pot for the soaking and cooking of fava beans.

Philippe Starck scissors for the dismemberment of newspaper headlines and

Big bottle of paper glue for the manufacture of taunting notes to investigating police.

Book of adhesive first class stamps for posting of same, to avoid salivary DNA traces.

Phone number of Brian Masters so someone will visit in prison and build your myth while you're fetching the soap for Big Vinnie and taking exams at the OU.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:05 / 24.12.02

Xoc: "Phone number of Brian Masters so someone will visit in prison and build your myth while you're fetching the soap for Big Vinnie and taking exams at the OU."

Oh yes.

And can I add-

Phone number of Colin Wilson so they can both write opposing columns about you in the Daily Mail. And then have an editorial about why people shouldn't be fascinated by serial killers.

Old brown-eye is back

22:23 / 24.12.02

Something enigmatic to leave at the scene of the crime. A photo of Bill Hicks; an empty Happy Meal box with all the vowels scrawled out;a copy of The Koran.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:26 / 24.12.02

When I was working in a crappy comics/sf memorabilia shop, I came up with the great idea of killing 149 people, each in the style of a different Pokemon, just so the fuckers'd get banned and I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore.

Then I thought "hey, get another job... that'd be better for everyone."

I still feel slightly regretful though. It would have been funny.

The Return Of Rothkoid

04:29 / 25.12.02

A small broom with bits of hair in. A piece of duct tape with wrist hair attached. A toolbox with various implements, well-shined.

Make 'em worry.

04:31 / 25.12.02

A nice gift basket with cheese and a sausage.

A

11:06 / 25.12.02

Apparently you can dissolve a body in a bathtub full of Caustic Soda, or something. Bastard to wrap, though.

Wrecks City-Zen

05:46 / 26.12.02

Grand Theft Auto:Vice City

Everything you need son...on one handy CD!

Ps: Killer soundtrack!

14:56 / 26.12.02

I agree.

But that body in the tub won't dismember itself.

15:25 / 26.12.02

A good reference library, including the Bible, Koran and complete works of Shakespeare, in order to establish a nicely literary theme. No-one's done Disney yet: how about starting off by murdering a doctor (preferably one who's Of Restricted Growth) then moving on to a predominantly cannabinoid drug-dealer, then a narcoleptic, etc., etc.?

An etiquette book in order to ensure that one's neighbours will remark on one's ordinariness, politeness and tendency to 'keep oneself to oneself'.

If you're male and killing males, PP Hartnett's number, as he'll elaborate upon and pleasantly eroticise your myth after capture - affording you, if you're lucky, a 'swimmer's body' in the process (and not in the Smeg either).

A mask of some sort, either sports-related (hockey, ski-goggles, etc.) Hallowe'en or clown-themed.

Playing cards, Tarot cards, I Ching or Pokemon cards. Make 'em think.

A mirror, ideally crack'd from side to side, for those quietly self-loathing (or 'you talkin' to me?') moments.

Trinny & Susannah's 'What Not To Wear (In Human Skin)'.

15:30 / 26.12.02

Sewing and taxidermy accessories, so you can make sure that the beautiful ballet dancer you kidnapped will be doing that lovely pas-de-deux forever, in your basement.

17:36 / 26.12.02

A copy of To Kill A Mockingbird

20:42 / 27.12.02

It's quicklime y'need Count Adam!

Nietzsch E. Coyote

20:49 / 27.12.02

Bulk supply of doctor's gloves.

Old brown-eye is back

20:54 / 27.12.02

A grumpy midget and/or smoking monkey side-kick.

The Return Of Rothkoid

05:27 / 28.12.02

A tool belt. One you can hose off.

13:19 / 28.12.02

A pair of those new Dockers pants that

just.

won't.

stain.

15:33 / 30.12.02

Body bags.
(A steal at $11.00 each!)

You might get some ideas here, as well, in this nice article about somebody voluntarily being trepanned at home.

As it got closer, we drilled more and more slowly. At one point he hit what we thought might be meninges because it squirted a bit of blood but quickly subsided. We were still doing OK. It was just a bone vessel and we knew that it might happen once or twice more. Luckily it did not. We drilled more and more, slow and careful and eventually saw what we were fairly certain was meninges. As he said he was seeing it, I felt a shivering tingle of energy up my back and up the back of my neck. We told him how to probe to be sure.

He turned one of the bits over and tapped around in the hole. Most of it went click click, because it was hitting bone still, but one part did not make sound. He had made it through to the meninges! I saw a video of this moment, and yes, you can see the brain pulsating!

In the same vein, click
here...

...for unforgettable gift ideas.