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Worst presents ever

Whisky Priestess

14:11 / 23.12.02

Having got all my shopping done and dusted, and sitting back feeling very smug yesterday, I was moved to wonder at the sheer amount of mental and physical energy, not to mention cash, we all spend on getting exactly the right presents for the right people - to the extent of hunting down obscure things over the internet, going to special interest auctions, getting things specially made by traditional craftsmen etc.

And I was also moved to wonder how some people can get it so radically wrong when they are clearly trying. I'm not talking ironic socks here, people - I'm talking my sister giving me a twee booklet clearly aimed at adolescent girls called Spells for a Perfect Love Life. Not only do I think this Hallmark pseudo-magic(k) is bullshit, I'm 26 years old for God's sake ... if I'm looking for love I'm more likely to put an ad in the LRB than walk widdershins around a penis shaped candle (unless I'm drunk).

So - worst presents you've ever given or received, worst thing to get you this year, hypothetical worst presents for people (i.e. Osama bin Laden/Saddam dress-up costume for G Bush). Let rip.

14:16 / 23.12.02

Once I got a bag of dried raisins. I don't even *like* raisins, sweet baby Jesus...

14:18 / 23.12.02

I once got a bag of dried raisins in chocolate, rebranded "Reindeer Poo" for Christmas. I wouldn't have minded, except the mate who gave them to me got the first volume of The Invisibles off me.

Oh, and I once got a windscreen ice-scraper.

14:28 / 23.12.02

My mom bought me a raincoat one year, the sort you'd wear over a business suit. An old-man raincoat, a London Fog, gentleman-of-high-finance raincoat. With a belt.

Given my job at the time and my personal dress style, it was a useless gift: given that I couldn't help feeling that this would be the perfect gift not for the son she had but for the son she'd always wished I'd turn out to be, it stung like grapefruit juice under your contact lens.

And it was the wrong size, to boot—about three sizes too small for me. Insult/injury, add n to x.

14:29 / 23.12.02

about two years ago I received a fuzzy pink sweater, at least 2-3 sizes too big. with little faux pearl buttons. also two giant nightshirts, one with an attached stuffed frog (to match the motif) and the other with some sort of religious inspirational message

I am still dumbfounded that any of the above were honestly intended for me

16:53 / 23.12.02

Osama bin Laden/Saddam dress-up costume for G Bush

I can't help feeling that this *is* what he really wants...

Worst present I ever gave was a set of three knives to my erstwhile mother-in-law-to-be. It really was a gift that said "I hate you" and "you have really shitty knives" in one swipe.

Whisky Priestess

17:29 / 23.12.02

I suppose one of the worst presents *should* have been when my mother's religious friend from University gave me an illustrated Jesus story book from the Jehovah's Witness point of view, as I was not brought up religious and have little interest in Christianity except phenomenologically ... but actually the pictures were quite cool.

Tryphena Absent

22:51 / 23.12.02

When I was eight my mum's best friend gave me a box file.

Whisky Priestess

23:54 / 23.12.02

Must shamefacedly admit that I have given ironic socks ...

00:50 / 24.12.02

I've given socks to my dad... but this was a good idea. We give him new clothes at christmas and throw the ones with holes away. Refreshing my dad's wardrobe is a public service.

05:17 / 24.12.02

What are ironic socks? Gloves?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

05:48 / 24.12.02

A whole bunch of decaffeinated coffee. I mean, what were they thinking?

07:39 / 24.12.02

This year I have given my dad two books which I got free at work as review copies. They're good books, worth about £19 each, and I know he'll like them, and he'll have no idea I didn't buy them, but I still feel a bit cheap.

And hello Whiskey P. Good to have you around again.

Whisky Priestess

08:48 / 24.12.02

Quote: [b]What are ironic socks? Gloves?/[b]

No, those would be ... impractical socks.

I had forgotten that my housemate at Universoty once bought me a biography of Prince Philip at Booksale. When asked why, he said "it was 50p!" as though that explained everything. I eventually passed it on to my grandmother because she loved the entire Royal family, but Philip turned out to be the exception that proved the rule.

And hello to you too, Sax. I have been time-rich and internet-poor recently, but all that has now changed ...

09:17 / 24.12.02

A collection of fake Body Shop toiletries, in a really shoddy basket as bought from a car boot sale. I never used them, for fear of what kind of green goop they'd actually put in them.

10:18 / 24.12.02

A friend of mine said that he once got some blank tapes for Crhistmas, with an explanation along the lines of "we don't know what kind of music you like, but this way you can put whatever music you like on them."

Goodness Gracious Meme

11:25 / 24.12.02

That's terrible.

also two giant nightshirts, one with an attached stuffed frog (to match the motif) and the other with some sort of religious inspirational message

Eep. My step-mum has given my sister and I *matching* (cute if you're 3 and 5. we're 27 and 34) versions of this kind of thing for about 5 years running... 'favourite' has probably been the 'paisley teddy bear' motif...

not taking any bets on this year.

(although, she untintentionally provided much fun for my bro-in-law, who, the week before they got married, bought my sis a lovely silk nightie and ceremonially burned the nightshirts in the back garden, he hated them so much.)

16:38 / 24.12.02

i've been given yarn and told i should learn to knit. it was like even my parents were telling me to get a life.

wembley can change in 28 days

16:45 / 24.12.02

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul when I was 21, from my so-called parents. Thank god for easy-going return policies at bookstores.

17:06 / 24.12.02

When I first started getting some work published, my family decided that the 'perfect' gifts were a variety of pens. They look great sitting unused in a pot next to my word processor...