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Underground > Creation >

Let's Put "Christ" Back In "Christmas"...

13:28 / 12.12.02

...or something. A carol-singing game, inspired by two comedy bits I recently heard. In the first, a trio of folk-singers put "Christ" back in "Christmas" by inserting questionable religious elements into secular holiday songs...

Frosty the Snowman
Was Jesus Christ's best friend
And he stood there melting by the Cross
Until the bitter end...

Bonus points for a sinister evangelical tone (e.g., "Jingle bells / go to Hell / if you do not praaaay...")

The other was a routine wherein Al Franken, in the persona of a progressive rabbi, told his congregants that it was perfectly okay to enjoy singing Christmas carols with their gentile friends, and that in most cases they could simply substitute "Moses" for "Jesus" in the lyrics:

O come let us adore him,
O come let us adore him,
O come let us a-dore hi—im—
Mo—o—ses!

So give me yours—a stanza or so of a secular song repurposed to Christian ends, or a Christian song repurposed as Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim, or whatever. Reference the tune, if you please.

14:48 / 12.12.02

(winter wonderland)

this is kind of inappropriate - but, the Fallwell version

Church bells ring, are you listening,
on the steeple, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
we're Holy tonight,
walking in our Christian wonderland.

Gone away is the new bird,
here to stay is the Shepherd
His flock he will tend
To hell he will send
all the evildoers in the homeland

In the U.S. we protect our Homeland,
from the homos and from Islam
Gays getting married?
We say: No man,
But Iraq can have
some carpet-bombs!

Later on, we'll prespire,
frightened by eternal fire
Of God be afraid,
a place he has made,
for all the pagan sinners in the land.

15:11 / 12.12.02

(Let it Snow)

Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go
Let us chant nam yoho renge kyo

15:36 / 12.12.02

Jesus the big-nosed Saviour
Had a shiny bright halo
And if you ever saw it
You could even see it glow

All of the other prophets
Used to laugh and call Him names
They wouldn't let poor Jesus
Join their graven idol games

Then one dusty Christmas Eve
Jehovah came to say
"Jesus with your hands so meek,
Won't you smite My foes this week?"

Then how the prophets feared Him
And they shouted out with fear
"Jesus, the big-nosed Saviour
We've been very good this year!"

The Apple-Picker

15:49 / 12.12.02

Ganesh---that is so freakin' good. I love it.

15:51 / 12.12.02

I saw Jesus kissing Santa Claus
Underneath his underpants last night.
He didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep.
He thought that I was fucked on vodka chasers, fast asleep.

Then, I saw Jesus suckle Santa Claus
Underneath his pubes so snowy white;
Oh what a laugh it would have been
If Falwell had only seen
Jesus kissing Santa Claus laaast niiight!

15:54 / 12.12.02

Thanks, Apple-Picker; I'm sure this is some sort of cathartic reaction to months of concerted reasonableness on CBBS...

Goodness Gracious Meme

17:09 / 12.12.02

those *are* beautiful, baby.

We're walking in the air,
we're watching from the moonlight sky;
the people far below
unknowing that they're going to fry.

I'm holding very tight,
As Jesus turns the grey skies blue,
With all his cursing, raging
wasting all his time, on you.

On across the world
The villages heathen, lost, it seems
The rivers and the hills,
barely muffle, the screams...

Children gaze open mouthed, taken by surprise;
Nobody down below believes their eyes.

We're struggling in the air,
we're gasping in the frosty sky,
we're plummeting towards icy
mountains, crashing by.

Suddenly swooping low on an ocean deep,
rousing up a mighty monster from his sleep;

We're crashing through the air,
we're falling through the midnight sky
and everyone who sees us
scorns us as we 'fly'.

17:29 / 12.12.02

Lovely. Just watched "The Snowman" again last night, actually...

19:14 / 12.12.02

You'd better not swear,
Or wear any black,
You'd better not shag,
I'm telling you, Jack,
The Witch-hunt is coming to town.

They're making a list,
Of things that are sins,
Like wearing a frown
Instead of fixed grins,
The Witch-hunt is coming to town.

They'll look at what you're wearing,
They'll look at what you read,
They'll even look at what you think,
Then decide if you should breed.

You'd better not breathe,
A little too fast,
And if you're lucky They'll pick on you last,
The Witch-hunt is here in your town!

19:17 / 12.12.02

You better watch out
You better not cry
Be nice and devout
Or you're gonna fry
Jesus Christ is coming to town
Jesus Christ is coming to town
Jesus Christ is coming to town

He's making a list,
Long as you like;
Gonna know if you're a poof or a dyke.
Jesus Christ is coming to town
Jesus Christ is coming to town
Jesus Christ is coming to town

He sees you when you're wanking
He knows you ate shellfish
He knows you've had your cock removed
And your tits are artifish - al!

With little pierced hands and little toy bell
He's sorted your eternity ticket to Hell
Jesus Christ is coming to town
Jesus Christ is coming to town
Jesus Christ is coming to town

(repeat to fade, with sleigh-bells)

19:18 / 12.12.02

(Hey, it's a classic; it stands up to separate 'interpretations'...)

19:20 / 12.12.02

That sublime 'artifish-al' rhyme just saved your arse. But don't let it happen again.

19:52 / 12.12.02

(Think 'Beach Boys'...)

Ooooooo
Merry Christians
Christians come just once each year

Well way down below where the air gets hot
There's a tale, you Christians,
That you've all been taught
'Bout a real famous cat all dressed up in red
And he spends the whole year workin' out on the dead

It's the little Old Nick
Little Old Nick
It's the little Old Nick
Little Old Nick

Just a little fallen angel that we call Old Nick
But he'll tie the fornicator's entrails all round his dick
He's candy apple red with a fork for a tail
And he loves to poke idolators' eyes out with a nail

He's the little Old Nick
Little Old Nick
He's the little Old Nick
Little Old Nick

Run run heathen
Run run heathen
Whoaa
Run run heathen
Run run heathen

He don't miss no-one

When he's peeling off your skin at a frightening rate
You'll regret a-stealin' Hostess Barbie when you were eight
He's got nictatin' eyelids 'cause the blood really flies
And he's rippin' every tongue out for those 'little white lies'

It's the little Old Nick
Little Old Nick
It's the little Old Nick
Little Old Nick

Ooooooo
Merry Christians
Christians come just once each year

Ooooooo
Merry Christians
Christians come just once each year

19:59 / 12.12.02

You've just been waiting for this, haven't you, 'nesh?

20:02 / 12.12.02

I must admit, Jack, I'm slightly disquieted at the rate they're spewing forth. Suppressed impulsivity - or just good ol' spite...

20:40 / 12.12.02

Perhaps the Spirit is moving you Ganesh!

20:54 / 12.12.02

Deck the halls with skulls for Kali,
Ganapati aum, Shiva, Ganesh

Yellow scarves and long-tongued dollies,
Ganapati aum, Shiva, Ganesh

Hunt the highways for suprises
Kali-ma, Ganesha, aum Durga

Our Dark Lady's sacrifices
Ganapati aum, Shiva, Ganesh!

21:14 / 12.12.02

This one is just for you, Ganesh. You know who it is about.

You'd better watch out
You'd better not deny
You'd better not doubt
I'm telling you why
It's in the Bible, so I win. The end.

I'm making a list
But I'm the only one nice
I'm deluded and self-righteous
And you'll all pay the price
It's in the Bible, so I win. The end.

I'm sowing and I'm reaping
For the Kingdom's sake
In the face of opposition, I ignorantly stood
And I stood proud of my stubborn state!

So, you'd better repent
You'd better become
Just like us Christians -
Proud to be so dumb!!!
It is in the Bible, so that's it. The end.

NOTE: No offense meant to any Christian on this board. I am a Bible-believing, born-again, spirit-filled, God-fearing Christian myself..... but I like to think I have a sense of humour too. Ganesh, you surpise me again with your hidden talents.

07:30 / 13.12.02

I Wish That We Had Moses, Down Our Way

When the whips begin to crack
On my poor indentured back
And the sweat is pouring and I find this a boring day
When my master, Abu-al-Khitch
Is a brutal son of a bitch
And I hear my people are being freed miles away

[Chorus]
Well I wish that we had Moses, down this way
Here the Israelites got nothing, no chance to pray
Oh I wish that we had Moses, down our way
Here the salve bells ring out for Moses

Now we're pulling this stone along
And singin' this plaintive song
This pyramid, it has gotta be built today
But we've a long long way to go
And I suffer from vertigo
And it's six long months since we had any pay

[Chorus]

I hear he's freeing us to the north
And leadin' us all forth
To the promised land, oh so far away
But my overriding fear
Is that he won't make it down here
And so I guess I'm just gonna pray

[Chorus]

I wish we had Moses, down our way...

The Apple-Picker

12:35 / 13.12.02

White Jesus

I’m dreaming of a white Jesus
just like the one I used to know,
with His soft wavy hair and skin that is fair
and nose that is so Anglo.

Repeat.

I’m dreaming of a white Jesus
with every Christmas card I write.
May your days be merry and bright,
and may the Holy Son be white.

Repeat.

May your days be merry and bright,
and my the Holy Son be white.