BARBELITH underground
 

Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.


Underground > Temple >

A lame request.

  
  

Page: (1)2

 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
23:43 / 09.12.02
Could someone out there please work up something for me? I feel like I'm drowning, and could use all the positive charges you can send.

Or some of the board's resident supermodels.

Aw, fuck.
 
 
LVX23
00:14 / 10.12.02
Rothkoid,

It is certainly much easier to drown than to sum up the courage to fight against the tides. But you'll find that the light of days yet to come will be much more of a reward than succumbing to the malaise of your own creation. Life is a game - play it in a way that makes you happiest. True it takes Will to impose a positive magick on what may appear at times to be a callous, indifferent clockwork. This is Illusion. The Clockwork is simply a veil in front of the true beauty of creation: An infinite dream of rapture.

We wish you well.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
01:20 / 10.12.02
I can't play it in the way that makes me happiest. That's impossible. Because it's all gone. It's moved elsewhere.
 
 
Sebastian
01:24 / 10.12.02
Oh, hell, what can I possibly do Rothkoid? C'mon, you are writing here, this is Barbelith, a cool site for cool new millenium nerds, just like you and me, whith something interesting to say.What could we possibly envy to the rest of the specie?

I mean, you probably can entertain a far better and more intresting conversation than 95% of the individuals of the entire human race,even if you are weeping, a Barbelither does not surely weep for the same things humanity does, and even if he does, he does it through a perspective no one will probably understand or dare to share. You crave for super models, which is okay, and then you also have access and time to learn about the greatest and dumbest secrets of making either another man or woman's sex life as enjoyable as they have ever dreamt and even more. Am I saying something remote or far removed from the simple truth?

Go get them Rothkoid.

Wishing you well,
 
 
Tamayyurt
03:50 / 10.12.02
Before I lend any magic, mind if I as what your troubles are? Just so I can get more specific in my workings and get you better faster results, um, it's not that I'm curious or anything.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
05:19 / 10.12.02
Relationships, lies, despair, depression and lacerations. Not in that order.
 
 
Suffocate
09:45 / 10.12.02
Ah, relationships.

Lust, trust, and heartbreak. The common lifecycle of relationships

To fight cliche with cliche: the only person who can help you, is yourself.

Everyone goes through this stuff. Some people go through it constantly; in fact, I know this one girl... she always picks the wrong kinds of guys and when- erm, probably not applicable here.

Anyway... it comes down to the question: do you WANT to drown? No? Then don't. Use the same technique you'd use in any other situation. Do you WANT to eat that last donut? No? Then don't. Of course, most of us probably do... bad, bad example.

Tis all a matter of will power. Tis all a matter of knowing your place in the sequence, and knowing that everything passes, everything happens for a reason, and that even if it doesn't... you can always move on and make one up later.
 
 
Seth
17:05 / 10.12.02
Guys.

Rothkoid is a grown man. He knows this stuff. He needs our workings and our prayers, not our encyclopedic knowledge of Dawson's Creek style psychotherapy.

I will devote some time for prayer this evening, dude. Sebastian is right, though: your torments are epic, your triumphs Olympian. Hail the coming King that is Rothkoid!

He. Will. Rise. Again.
 
 
Tamayyurt
17:13 / 10.12.02
done.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
21:15 / 10.12.02
I'm on it. Still looking for a route-- things are very tangled around you. Hmmmm....

Just remember: whever you go, there you are
 
 
FinderWolf
08:00 / 11.12.02
Rothkoid -- I'm going to work on some stuff for you. I've gone through some rough times myself and Lithers have always been more than supportive and kind - so it's time to give back! Peace to you.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
10:15 / 11.12.02
Thank you people.

I just don't know what to say. I feel so ensnared. The other night, when all this shit was going down, I got an email from someone who lurks around here, saying ze had a dream where i was holding zir hand in a graveyard, and ze was trying to get me to stop being there, trying to pull me back and I just wouldn't go.

People involved seem to not want to unlock things with simple words, and I feel kind of - bound. It's not a simple "dumper/dumpee" kind of thing, I guess. There's more responsibility, a balance of power, and... it just gets tangled up in that side of things, not just raw lust or heartbeats.

the only person who can help yourself might be yourself, but if yourself is getting busy with a boxcutter, it's difficult to pull the plane out of the dive. I already feel really weak about bothering people about this, y'know.

MC: more info?
 
 
FinderWolf
13:49 / 11.12.02
Rothkoid - don't worry about feeling weak or 'lame' about requesting help and venting to the Board about what's going on; we're here to help. The support I've seen here on the 'Lith has always impressed me. We are fellow humans/spirits and we are all connected; the dream this Lither had about you is just one example of evidence of this. Let us know how things progress!
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
16:14 / 11.12.02
Okay, first off: at this particular time in your life, I would recommend taking a complete break from practicing ritual magick yourself. It's not uncommon for a newbie (or even an oldbie) to open up a can of emotional worms as they explore this part of themselves, and now is really not a good time for that to happen to you.

As to outside help, this seemed to defeat using a simple sigil. Exploring with simple divinatory techniques, I got a strong image of you with your back turned. There was a convoluted tangle of coloured threads around you, some of which seemed to be paths.

I also saw a kind of bullseye design in shades of blue on your left upper arm, just below the shoulder, and experienced a cold sensation. Does this mean anything to you?
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
21:12 / 11.12.02
Jesus.

Yes, that means something. I was slicing up, and that's where it was. A number of lines, almost parallel, going towards the front, down.

What else does this mean? I've never had this kind of vision, or known who has before. Any more will help.
 
 
grant
15:14 / 12.12.02
Not that I necessarily know anything about MC's head, but colored threads would seem to imply narratives - either threads of emotion (bound by love, hatred, nostalgia, etc.), or else lives, yours and other people's.
The target is probably where you're choosing to focus their effect, absorbing the brunt of the tangle.

I also hesitate to mention this, because it may be a Very Bad Idea Indeed, but if you're going through the Filth and looking for ways out, that might be the kind of situation where that Black Sun Tarot stuff would come in handy, as described (and created, even) in another thread in the Magick. I don't know, since I haven't done it myself and don't know anyone else who has. Trying to forge a path with those things as guides could simply uncork the worst of the worst. But it might also illuminate an outline of the way out.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
21:29 / 12.12.02
On balance, I'd say that was a Very Bad Very Bad Idea.

The threads/paths... Some of them seem to be emotional narratives (which appear to me as thick ropes of plasticine-looking stuff) but a lot of them look like things I call probability strands. It's really hard to describe them since they aren't really three-dimensional shapes. If you can try and picture a long hollow cylindrical shape that's both convex and concave so that you see an inside and an outside at the same time, that's sort of how they look. They also have more colours than the Emotion strands.

(This, incidentally, is how I do a lot of my magick these days. I try and fix it so that events go down the right probability strand. Of course some events don't have a probability strand attached to them so I can't make them happen.)

The good news is that the probability threads look mostly healthy: nice and fat, with strong colours. They look like paths to a more positive state of affairs. The bad news is that there's a great deal of convolution: events and emotions are very confused, the threads are tangled. I'm going to do what I can to help comb them out a little. That might ease your pain somewhat.
 
 
Nietzsch E. Coyote
22:08 / 12.12.02
that Black Sun Tarot stuff would come in handy AAA aa aa!
BAD IDEA. God, I'm really interested in the Black Sun tarot but I am hesitant to use it in anything other than the most stable and healthy mental state. Which is why I haven't as yet used it, only researched it. In the mental state of a cutter, I wouldn't even want to KNOW about the Black Sun Tarot.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
23:06 / 12.12.02
I was on the train this morning and started thinking about the Black Sun idea. I didn't think about it in anything other than general terms, a consideration that maybe I could use it or something - but I got a really weird feeling again, like there was something there. I don't - given that i'm not as up on pathworking or visions or anything as most here - usually get that reaction, and so it was very odd.

I already feel a little zombielike in my behaviour at the moment and keep kinda seeing things, so I don't know if it'd be the thing to do. I already have bad images because of what's been happening, but they're juxtaposed with bad images of me, too, of late. It's like flashes, Lost Highway style.

I'd like to know more about how you get to see those things, MC; it's interesting. Thank you for your helping with it, too.
 
 
Badbh Catha
14:29 / 13.12.02
at this particular time in your life, I would recommend taking a complete break from practicing ritual magick yourself. It's not uncommon for a newbie (or even an oldbie) to open up a can of emotional worms as they explore this part of themselves, and now is really not a good time for that to happen to you. – Mordant C@rnival

I'd like to second that idea, really. Just leave it alone until you're healed from your emotional & psychological pain. It will hinder more than help your situation.

Good luck with everything, and please take care.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
22:24 / 13.12.02
See, I found myself this morning trying to see what was happening. It sort of... happened. I didn't end up feeling anything, or seeing anything - except some muscular twitches - but I just... I dunno, I feel like I want to know things but can't, or can't keep concentration long enough. It's doubly frustrating as I'm being kept totally in the dark elsewhere. Sigh.
 
 
grant
22:11 / 14.12.02
There's a great scene in Lone Wolf & Cub where the swordmaster Itto Ogami has been given sleeping poison by a gang of women out to kill him, and it doesn't work - even though he's asleep, his eyes closed, he's trained to the point where he feels knives as theey're pointed towards him... the point where his hand operates independently of his eyes, defending himself from attacks his conscious mind doesn't even know about. There's a Japanese word for that state, but I can't remember it.
I'm pretty sure it's an ability we all have.

I was on the train this morning and started thinking about the Black Sun idea. I didn't think about it in anything other than general terms, a consideration that maybe I could use it or something - but I got a really weird feeling again, like there was something there. I don't - given that i'm not as up on pathworking or visions or anything as most here - usually get that reaction, and so it was very odd.


The reason why I brought up is that it's a path through negative space - a shadow of the "real"/"good"/"enlightening" path of the Tarot. If you're already walking through negative space, then that might be the path. The problem is that it's a path with a negative outcome... you'd have to have the wherewithal to decide when to do the opposite of the opposite, if you get my meaning. Like learning to walk backwards by staring into a mirror pointed over your shoulder.
I dunno.
I just remember Joy Division being very cheering when I was at my bleakest and dankest, despite the fact that the music made cheerful people feel bleak and dank. But music ain't magick - it operates on a different level.
Bending your Will towards negativity could be... Very, Very Bad.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
23:19 / 14.12.02
If you want to know the details... You won't. You can't. Overall trends, general possibilities, maybe. Will this happen, will that happen... sometimes. Not much.

All I can say is: I see a potential for peace and fullfillment around you. How long that will take to arrive and what form it will come in, I don't know.
 
 
FinderWolf
15:48 / 16.12.02
How's it been going, Rothkoid?
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
21:42 / 16.12.02
Shit. Worse. Keep seeing things that are bad, mostly involving me in extremity. Or worse, if you know what I mean. Lessening slightly, but... still feel very tired and battered around.

And lied to, in a big way. And in the full glare of something, withering.
 
 
The Tower Always Falls
00:16 / 17.12.02
Hopped onto this thread rather late, but I'll see what i can do.
 
 
grant
11:55 / 18.12.02
Peculiar - had a vivid dream about you last night. You were standing knee deep in what I'd call a wet prairie - a kind of swampland that's basically a wide, very shallow lake, with clumps of trees coming out of it.

I was on some sort of circular tour of an island (Australia? Unclear - a bit like islands I used to visit as a kid) and wanted your info about the city up ahead. It was your hometown. So I got in a canoe, paddled out to you, and after much talking got you in the canoe, reluctantly agreeing to come with me to the city (Melbourne? The one in Australia, or the one in Florida - where an old family friend lives on an island? Don't know...).

It gets a little hazy after that - talking to you was occasionally like pulling teeth, I remember that. And either mixtapes or zines were a key component of my activities there. Your jeans-legs were consistently wet throughout, from standing in the water. We were in your apartment, discussing something with your roommates.... Something dramatic happened at the end, but that was right when I woke up.

Make of that what you will.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
02:08 / 23.12.02
Some of that makes sense, I think.

Swamps and graveyards: that just can't be good, can it? Eesh. And reticent. Hmm.
 
 
grant
17:01 / 23.12.02
I should mention that I, personally, have nothing at all against swamps - they're probably my favorite ecosystem (that, estuaries and beaches - all places where water meets land). They're also sleepy, dormant areas. Swamps hide things.
 
 
slinkyvagabond
19:46 / 23.12.02
I hate to say this but not much is going to help you now. That is not actually as negative as it seems. I'm pretty interested in Zen and it's got a bit in common with the idea of sympathetic magic - you just let things flow and allow them to take you where they will - it really sounds unhelpful but it's about letting go. In some Zen readings I found this question: why do we value the positive experiences in life and struggle vehemently against the negative? (I paraphrase but how and ever). Now, when you're in horrible, wretched pain it's about the last thing you feel like accepting so sometimes you (and I, for sure) end up battling so hard that we hurt ourselves even more. We try and think of solutions - mine included such Very Bad Ideas as suicide, love-spells, reaching out to the person who had made my life a misery, drugs, too many cigarettes, over-reliance on the supernatural (and a very unhealthy obsession with horoscopes), the list goes on...But giving up the struggle was the best thing in the end. If you chose this route you will still feel sad, in pain, desperate, you will still long to be rescued. The horrible truth is that no-one will rescue you, not even yourself. One day you will just feel a little ok - the next you may feel like dogshit, worse than before and then maybe the next ok again. Take the ok-ness where it comes, take comfort where you find it, I'm not saying that your friends or your beliefs or even a funny programme on telly won't give your spirit a little elevation cos they will but now you really won't find any escape routes in magick. You might find some respite from your brain/pain in ritual and meditiation but sadly they won't provide any easy roads. The other thing that a very kind and helpful person said to me was to remember that emotions (and everything really) do not move in a linear fashion. Rather they ebb and flow so don't batter yourself if you go from feeling ok to feeling like you're back in the pits of hell, it's not that you're doing something wrong, it's unfortunately just the way things are. Sorry if this seems very negative but sometimes you just have to ride it out.

Btw, your request is surely not lame. Why are we so concerned with putting on a happy face all the time? Pain and suffering are part of our lives but not many can go through these things alone. We can't force the process of getting better but little things ease us forwards though we don't realise at the time.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
04:26 / 24.12.02
It's not the idea of putting on a happy face all the time that's concerning me. It's the ability to have a happy face at any time at all that the drama's about. I'm also not attempting to get an escape route through magick; merely some kind of temporary aid - I know that things aren't and won't get better for some time, but... I really want help to make sure things don't go entirely pear-shaped on me, because it feels like it, in a big way. Rational/emotional split on this part doesn't seem to help, I guess.

Grant: I see what you mean about the growth/living aspect of the swamp: moreso since watching Adaptation. (Oh, all right, and Gentle Ben, too.)
 
 
angel
10:51 / 24.12.02
Symbolically Swamps are also a fertile place. It's the idea of the death and rebirth. That when something dies and starts decomposing, what comes out of that is actually fertile and nourishing and it enables new things grow from the ending of the old. So in a way it's actually a really positive image.

Likewise the graveyard. Graveyards are there for those living to make memorial to that which has past. Maybe you can construct a memorial to that which is past, give it the respect and reverence it's due, but by constructing (literally or otherwise) it means that you can walk away and continue life, because like it or not the sun keeps on rising and life goes regardless of our feeling on the matter. Think of it in terms of the death card in Tarot. Its meaning does not have to be the literal end of a corporeal being, but cxan also be a chance to draw a line in the earth and say ... this ends here ... and gives you the power to begin again in the way YOU wish to. Clean, afresh, and without preconception.

This is something I know you have been wishing for, for a long time now. Be brave and grab the stinging nettle guide rope, once you have hauled your self out of the pit of sorrow, you won't be paying any attention to a few blisters. (And yes I do know how hard that is, but I also know that it is possible!)

Much love and Brightest Blessings to you sweetheart.
 
 
slinkyvagabond
01:00 / 26.12.02
sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh and I totally agree with you on the rational/emotional thing. Your brain will tell you that you shouldn't feel so bad because yadda yadda but it's bullshit - you can't help what you feel. The emotional body takes a longer time to heal than the the intellectual/rational ( so perhaps some energy work would be good?) and I guess you just have to give yourself a break. I don't mean drowning or giving up hope, just don't let your inteelectaul side get too harsh omn you, is what I was really trying to say. Good luck and vibes - you can get to the other side of this.
 
 
FinderWolf
01:57 / 26.12.02
Rothkoid, once again, I say unto thee, I have been to that dark place and know that you will get through it. (I'm actually just coming out of a somewhat similar period currently, generally speaking - I don't want to presume that I know your situation in detail, but you know what I mean.)

Sending more good vibes and peace on this Christmas/pagan day stolen by the Catholics/whatever day. This day has power, and I am sending some of that power to you. Best wishes and blessings for the New Year -- another day of power during which I will be thinking of you. Let us know how things continue to develop, and hang in there above all.
 
 
Papess
12:34 / 26.12.02
Rothkoid, I hope your holidays have allowed for some levity and mirth, this is a difficult time of year at the best of times.

But just in case...

*Gets a pair of white socks and balls them up like a snowball, throws it at Rothkoid.*

Ya know, you are right Rothkoid, socks are great for throwing! Huggles babe.

Love. Socking it to you.
 
  

Page: (1)2

 
  
Add Your Reply